Celibacy as therapy: Could quitting sex improve your relationships?

Abstaining from sex doesn’t mean you have to live like a nun for the rest of your life. But a brief respite from casual sex or even regular love making in a relationship can prove to have a positive effect on the psyche.

But what benefits can be had from choosing a celibate life?

Recently single after a five-year relationship, Annabel, 38, decided to go celibate after a series of disappointing and unfulfilling sexual escapades.

“It sounds as if I became a frustrated spinster and to be honest I even thought myself it would seem weird if I told friends that I was purposely avoiding sex and intimacy. But I discovered that rather than becoming agitated and wanting, I started to feel more comfortable with myself and how I was spending my time, just enjoying life with friends and the company of male friends too. I guess it’s about regaining some control in your life and that way understanding what you really want.

“When I did have sexual relations again I enjoyed the intimacy more because it felt more special.”

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Sam, 36, a fitness instructor, felt that he also needed to get some order in his life - away from 'distractions' as he calls them. His situation wasn't helped by the amount of attractive women approaching him for personal fitness sessions.

"I realised I was becoming a slave to sex, mentally. Just thinking about it all the time, even at work and wanting it. It was an obstacle. I eventually saw a sexual therapist who advised celibacy for a while. Once I started thinking about what it was I really wanted from sex and wasn't getting - I was able to learn some control.

“I'm achieving more, doing more and not obsessed about getting a lay every weekend. It's quite an empowering feeling realising you're not governed by your gonads!"

Rebecca Newman, sex agony aunt for GQ magazine, believes that taken up for the right reasons, celibacy may help improve some men's lives.

"I think sex addiction has been blown out of proportion, but certainly behavioural patterns can become addictive and celibacy could be a viable route to help get over the problem. It is not likely to be the key to the cure however, as simply banning something which has become intoxicating will only exacerbate desire."

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Cellibacy within a relationship

Dani, 32 has been married for five years. Both she and her husband Mark took a mutual decision to abstain from sex for two weeks, and decided to lengthen the ‘celibacy’ period to three months. It has to be asked why a loving couple would want to impose such physical restrictions on their relationship?

“You know there’s a lot of bull about sex in relationships,” retorts Dani. “All this chat and stuff they print in magazines about what’s the norm for couples. Actually most people who have been together for a few years find sex a bit of chore or something that they feel they have to do to keep a partner happy. The reality is most people are content just to be with each other, be close, be good company and have a nice cup of tea together! We decided to take pressure off ourselves and see what transpired.”

They both found they liked each other’s company more without the sex and when the time came for them to restart a sexually active life they experienced a resurgence of desire and passion.

“We were very horny once the floodgates were opened! To regain that kind of excitement it’s a rebirth in a way because let’s face it most relationships become weighed down with everyday mundane stuff, just living together and trying to pay the bills. You can end up treating the sex as routine, which really shouldn’t be what it’s about.

“No-one says it’s normal to have it every day or once a week and neither should you think it’s abnormal to be not having it for months.”

Rebecca acknowledges the benefits celibacy can bring to couples as a strategy to help ward off both boredom and feelings of being taken for granted sexually.

"As with any change, celibacy can be beneficial, certainly within a dysfunctional relationship but also as a boon to an already good partnership.”

Giving up sex isn't alway easy, but if it's something you want to do meditation, avoiding alcohol and other stimulants and even the fabled cold shower can all help you in your quest.

Just thinking about sex on a regular basis isn't a sin or an indication of a weak or frustrated mind. But if you seriously want to develop some control patterns over your sexual behaviour, thoughts and urges, allowing you the time and mental space to focus on other important areas of your life, then a brief abstinence trial might not be such a bad thing.