Is it ever okay to lie to your partner?

Do you ever lie to your partner? Of course you do.

Hopefully not the kind of big fat lies that destroy trust by trashing your relationship rule-book, but what about those ‘soft’ lies or acts of social masking that are performed to flatter or reassure in a bid to increase feelings of confidence and security?

Sometimes honesty can be almost as corrosive to a relationship as lying, which is why we often refer to someone being ‘brutally’ or ‘painfully’ honest, and why tact can be preferable to just speaking your mind.

THE LIE VERSUS THE CRIME
Often it’s the act of lying that causes more problems than the ‘crime’ itself though, and even partners who have decided to forgive someone who has cheated find they struggle to come to terms with all the lying that went on to conceal it.

Watching someone you love and trust perform a lie of concealment can re-define a relationship, even if the lie is about something relatively trivial, like the price of an outfit or the reason for not calling when they were late getting back from the pub.

Then there is the undermining effect of the scope of the lie. How many other people knew? Who else was in on the lie? How stupid has the victim been looking to friends or family? A liar will often involve other people in their deceptions, meaning their best mates or work colleagues have been colluding in providing a cover-up.

THE SIX CATEGORIES OF LIES

Of course lying has a sliding scale, from the good to the bad to the downright ugly. Although the red card deceits like concealing cheating might end a relationship stone cold dead there are also those stupid and often unnecessary lies that can create the long term equivalent of relationship dry rot.

Here’s a run-down on the categories of relationship lies:

1.   THE FACIAL MASK

Couples use words less and non-verbal signals more to tune in to one another’s thoughts and feelings in a long-term relationship. This means a certain amount of effort can be a good thing, as the un-masked face can often look unintentionally grim and miserable. When we are dating our smile rate increases and we tend to laugh more during our conversations. We are highly attentive with our eye-gaze and show long bouts of undivided attention, even if we are bored by a subject matter.

2.   SOCIAL MASKING
This can be a vital lie in any relationship, i.e. pretending to like his/her mother/father/best friend even when you can’t stand them. The ‘smile and wave’ approach might be a Herculean lie but if it gets you through Christmas and other family gatherings it’s probably better than kicking off World War III by telling your partner people what you really think of them.

3.   THE EGO-BOOSTING LIE
You’re on your way out to a special event and your partner asks you if he/she looks ok in a new outfit. Or your partner turns to you after sex and asks if they are the best lover you have ever had. Can you honestly see any advantage in answering ‘No it’s too tight for your size’ or ‘Let me think, no, Adrian was better at foreplay and Guy always brought me to orgasm more effectively’? When your partner asks this type of question they are often looking for reassurance rather than the blatant truth. You are being offered the role of coach and cheerleader, not the tools to cause the assassination of their ego.

4.   THE INFANTILE LIE
These lies are often almost pointless but can nevertheless be hugely corrosive as they rob the role of best friend, buddy and confidante away from the partner being lied to and place them into a role of quasi-parental authority instead. The infantile liar probably lied frequently as a kid as a method of to getting out of trouble and they tend to assume the same rules apply in an adult relationship. It makes them feel naughty, which they like, as it enhances their own pleasure at the ‘crime’. They will lie about why they were late home from the pub, lie about why they didn’t phone you and lie about why they forgot your birthday. If they get caught out and challenged their excuse for the lie is always: ‘Because I knew you would react like this if I told you’.

5.   THE FAKE IT TO MAKE IT LIE
Should you ever lie by faking an orgasm? With the multiple orgasm being seen by many guys as the norm for women, plus the fact that most men are well-versed in the etiquette of ‘women first’ there is a lot to recommend the odd Meg Ryan impression if things just don’t seem to be working. However, long-term faking might mean you diminish your chances of the real thing. Some gentle technique nudging might be more beneficial.

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6.   THE LIFESTYLE LIE
If you’re telling these lies you need to question your motives, your personality and your relationship, and if they are being told to you there will be little to recommend any form of forgiveness. They would include lying about meeting an ex, lying about being single, lying to cover an affair or lying to make your partner feel like the person to blame when you are misbehaving. Some relationships start on a lie and continue in the same vein and others become a lie after many years of honesty. Either way it’s the Grand Canyon effect on trust and love.
 
HOW TO LIE WHEN THE TRUTH JUST WON’T DO

So assuming you’re going for the soft option when it comes to lying to your partner, creating the kind of deceit that is aimed at enhancing rather than trashing your bonds, how do you pull off a convincing performance?

·      Always remember that the hardest people to lie to are the ones that know us best, meaning the worst-told lies are the ones performed to long-term partners after a period of honesty. If they know how you look when you’re telling the truth they will spot the lie by subtle fluctuations in your body language. It'll emerge in visible symptoms of stress, like agitation, muscle tension, shallow rapid breathing, a raised vocal tone and an accelerated blink rate.

·      The act of lying is hard. It involves suppressing the truthful answer before concocting the lie and then delivering it while masking symptoms of guilt. People who lie frequently, who have low levels of guilt about lying or who lack empathy or the ability to understand the risks of lying will often make the best liars. The rest of us will struggle.

·      Less is more. When we lie we often tend to talk too much, offering too many details or too much information. Plus we wave our arms about and over-use words like ‘Honestly’. Keep it concise and simple.

·      Keep busy. Actors call it ‘a bit of business’ when they deliver their lines on stage or TV while potting plants or doing the washing up etc. It keeps your hands busy and means you avoid having to make eye contact.

·      Watch the poker face. The other ‘lie’ mistake is when we sit too still. Not moving at all is an instant give-away.

·      Keep your tone low. When we lie the pitch tends to rise.

·      In an emergency, go for the double bluff. Instead of suppressing the truth say what you are really thinking before pausing and then offering up the lie. This allows your real feelings to display safely, making the mask easier to apply. As in: ‘Do you like the present I bought you?’ ‘God no, I hate it! It’s horrible! (Pause) Joking! Of course I like it, I love it!’