Suddenly The Wedding Is Imminent And I'm Going Into Panic Mode

I began this blog almost exactly a year ago. I'd been engaged for a couple of months and I thought it would be fun to document my attempts to not get sucked into Brideland/descend into madness.

Last January it seemed very, very far away. People said it would come up quickly but it seemed so distant I even refused to go on a January health kick because I didn't want to 'peak too soon'. Now it's a worry if I will peak at all.

The Wedding Diet

As I nibble at my dark chocolate square and dream of tonight's carb-free dinner, I'm rather wishing I hadn't hit the mince pies quite so hard all December. Because now begins the fabled Wedding Diet. You know, the one that I was absolutely adamant I would not do.

Yeah, I'm doing it.

Mostly because I can't find Spanx that you can't see under my dress, but partly because I've got the fear.

You know, the thin bride fear. The terror that you're going to look like Fatty Fat Fat in the wedding photos because you fed your double chin double portions instead of starving yourself like you're meant to do as a good bride.

Melodramatic? Me?

Everyone has a recommendation for me. I should eat no carbs, brown carbs, loads of carbs. I should do weights, go running, just ignore it all and leave it to the adrenalin of the last few weeks... My head is spinning with advice.

Though, to be honest, I, and my gym routine, are the least of my worries. Even if I never lose the mince pies from my middle I know I already fit in my dress, and I'll scrub up fine with a bit of slap and a nice hair-do. Adam too, I believe, will look reliably smart - if only because he wears a suit approximately three times a decade and the novelty does it for me.

The Real Source Of Panic

What I'm really worried about is the ORGANISING OF THE WHOLE WEDDING IN JUST THREE MONTHS.

The date is the 10th April. As I write that my wedding website reliably informs me that it is just 93 days to go. (Yes I have a wedding website. It was SO MUCH FUN to make, I would totally recommend it. You can see it here if you like but I won't give out the password because I'm not insane.)

This, as everyone I know seems to revel in reminding me, is 'Oooo, very soon!'.

It's REALLY bloody soon.

And sure the big things have been taken care of, like caterers and the marquee, but the to-do list is long and terrifying, from silly little things I have to do like find some tablecloths and decide how much cheese to buy, to the really quite important things that we've been putting off 'til the new year - like sorting out wedding rings, working out the vows and, oh, choosing a HONEYMOON.

I never really expected all this. I've become highly emotional about the wedding, unbelievably excited and a bit bewildered by what to do.

Every time the panic rises I just take a deep breath and remind myself that I can make many lists and the lists will make everything alright. Lists will save me.

Not So Original After All

I was sent an email that described the 7 Types of Wedding (I've lost it now and can't find the source, sorry) and I realised that despite all my best efforts, I did indeed fit into a category:

"The Supposedly Low-Key Wedding"

I quote: "When your friend first emailed to confirm your mailing address, she swore it was going to be a super-relaxed backyard affair, 60 people tops. Barbecue and paper plates and just an iPod playlist. You show up eight months later, and her mom has totally seized the reins. The guest list has ballooned to 150 people. There are at least six kinds of passed hors d'oeuvres, as well as valet parking. You'll know these by the pervasive tension and tipsy passive-aggression."

I fear I am that friend. But it's me who's seized the reins, not my mum. Instead, my poor mum has been ordered on the mammoth task to hand-make hundreds of flowers. She's doing a cracking job, though.

However it happened, it has. I'm lying awake until 4am alternating between getting ridiculously excited and worrying about all the things I have to do.

When people don't ask me about the wedding I feel like telling them to 'just ask about the wedding' despite my protestations that I didn't want to be That Girl.

But when people do I just get worried that I'm boring them or giving away all the surprises of the day and that I should just shut up so I clam up and get unresponsive and people think I'm weird.

When people close to me don't seem excited enough about the wedding I become disproportionally upset. But when they do, I also get upset because I don't want them to build it up too much in case it goes wrong.

As a usually fairly calm person, I find all this strange. I'm not used to being on an emotional roller coaster. The most drama I usually have in my life is courtesy of a box set. But what I always dismissed as 'just a big party' on a single day really is starting to feel so much more of a mountain.

An awesome mountain that I am enjoying climbing and can't wait to see the view from the peak, but a mountain all the same. And I'm at the bit where the air's getting thinner.

In a couple of years I've gone from a plan to elope to Vegas, to a wedding of 120 in two different venues near my home town. I've invited family I haven't seen in years (and would really like to) from far away, all my friends and even some of their partners (I feel bad saying no to people so I've been a total pushover with the guestlist).

There are SO MANY PEOPLE coming. So many people I love, mostly people I like and a few I don't really know but couldn't avoid (standard). So many people to entertain, feed, keep warm and dance with.

Suddenly this really is a big deal. People are travelling for this 'party', for this 'single day', people are paying money for hotels and a few are even investing in new suits. We've shelled out a lot of cash (though we're hoping to stick to the budget, and if we do we are GENIUSES). This is a Thing now. A Big Thing.

And of course, it's just the start of an even bigger thing. The marriage thing.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm off to have kittens.

Here, have some:

[Yes You Can Have A Feminist Wedding]
[Weddings: The 20 Most Stressful Things]