Meet The Parents: Dress Up, Bring Flowers, Leave The Cocaine At Home

Are you ever really yourself when you’re meeting the parents?

Mostly we play cute, brush ourselves up and prepare some middle of the road jokes for quiet moments.

The sad fact is, they’ll probably decide within the first five minutes whether they like you or not.

It doesn’t matter how many dishes you stacked in the washer - there’s just something "off" about you.

That said, there are perhaps a few obvious things that you definitely should not do.

This being one of them….

Racking up with Mama Bear

I used to know a charming guy from Eastern Europe who had no problems picking up women.

He had moved to the UK to attend a boarding school and then ended up in London, working for an ad agency and living somewhere hip.

His parents still lived in Europe, but owned a flat in London that he had keys to.

Despite the fact he was in his late 20s, and the concept of a free house was no longer a draw, he occasionally liked to take his dates there.

Vitally, it meant they could be alone and drink deep from their wine.

One night, after a lot of boozing with the boys, he met a waif-like student in a local pub.

She was chatting at ten miles an hour and he was happy enough to smile and nod.

As the pub was throwing people out, he realised he was in there.

She was heavy petting him and making demands to go back to his.

The problem was, he was nowhere near his house.  

But he was near his parents’.

Grabbing her by the hand he hopped in a taxi and headed to the homestead.

They stumbled in and he went straight to the kitchen.

Wine, fags, music.

Moving into the sitting room, where he left her, she was nowhere to be seen.

He headed for the bedroom.

Opening the door, he clocked his conquest racking up lines of cocaine on the bedside table.

She had it all prepared and was leaning over to sniff it up.

Moving his eyes to her left, he landed on a bump in the bed.

It bloody couldn’t be. But it was.

His MOTHER was lying there asleep – back in town without a note!

Knowing how deeply she slept, he tried not to panic.

Just grab the girl and back out slowly.

Whoooooooosh went her nostrils, as she loudly snorted up her Class A drugs.

His mother was suddenly sitting bolt upright and staring right at the girl.

Nowhere to hide.

He tried to jump over and grab the girl but she’d set her sights on his mother.

Smiling like, well, a bit of a druggie, she clambered into the bed right there and then and tried to make spoons.

His mother listened to five minutes of her stories, then gently ushered her out.

She frowned at her son as she closed the door.

A month later the mother started asking about that "lovely little lost girl”.  Did she want to come for tea?

For some reason or another, she’d taken a liking to her.

So what’s the take away here?  

That it is impossible to predict parents’ reactions to anyone we bring home.

They’ve been around the block and sometimes read people and situations differently to how we expect.

Bad behaviour can be interpreted as charm, good manners as fickleness.

But just to be safe, go for the cardigan next time and take a bunch of flowers!

[Let's Just Split It: A Lesson In Dating Etiquette]

[The Egg-Bound Frenchman: Cr*ppy First Date Behaviour]

Nana is the newest addition to our Yahoo Lifestyle blogging team. She's runs a bespoke dating service called Social Concierge.