Baby Blog: Why Your Friends Without Children Will Never Understand You

"Couldn’t Freddy’s crib just go in the bathroom?" read a message from a friend.

We are planning a holiday away with the baby and were sorting out the sleeping arrangements in which the five-month-old baby had been temporarily resigned to the cold, dark, communal bathroom.

That was the moment I realised that my childless friends just don’t understand how babies work and I’m being left feeling frustrated because I am first - the first of my friends to bust a life out from between my legs.

Someone had to go first and I very kindly went ahead and took one for the team. Now, as the only one in our group with a mini me, I am the parenting guinea pig.

Almost immediately, I was asked questions that I could never ask them like, "Honestly, how is it down there?" accompanied by a shifty glance southwards toward the fly of my jeans.

It’s assumed my body will be unrecognisable for the foreseeable future even though it’s now coming up to half a year later. "But you've JUST had a BABY!", they still say.

They don’t understand that babies need naps and imagine the eventual bedtime goes like this: "Oh it's 7pm!" Floats into nursery. "Goodnight sweetheart, sweet dreams." Sleeps until 7am.

It’s not like I can’t sympathise – this time last year I was one of the childless brigade and back then I definitely thought I knew it all.

Having a baby can’t be that hard, right? It’s just no work and loads of daytime telly really, isn’t it? You’re the same old you but with cute accessory that you can ditch whenever necessary. Wrong.

You want to invite me for dinner? This is no longer a case of whether I'm free. This is a case of who the hell can I get to babysit? Even when you’ve worked that out, which is near impossible if you want a decent babysitter, do you know how much one of them costs?

If I eventually do manage to get the babysitter, squeeze into my Spanx and stuff in a couple of nursing pads then please excuse me if I fall asleep at the bar - he’s teething and I’ve been up all night. And for God’s sake don’t give me more than two drinks because then I will miss him and have a sob.

The next day there will be no Dominoes delivery and Ru Paul marathon because the babysitter has gone and I am back in charge with hungover childcare being quite possibly the most painful imaginable reality.

I know I risk starting to sound like one of those "But you don’t understand!" parents, much hated by the child-free contingent. But here’s the thing – you don't. You're probably the same person who thinks that having a dog is the same as having a baby.

But why should my friends understand this new life? Why would they need or want to know that babies have three naps a day? It’s me who has enforced change – not them. I didn’t understand children before I had one so why would I now expect other people to get it.

I certainly don’t think my life is anymore important than theirs and I’m not about to become one of those people who think they should be saved from a house fire first 'because they have kids'.

They are always free to take me out to dinner, where we talk about anything but naps and I am confident they like me because we have more in common than a teething infant.

They were there at the hospital with champagne the day Freddy was born, they bought him a hundred unnecessary Christmas presents and are the most dedicated aunties and uncles a baby could hope for.

Really, it’s time I stop bleating on and instead adore that they don’t have children.

Not that that means his crib will be going in the bathroom.

[Baby Blog: My Maternity Leave Will Be Over Soon - But I'm Not Sure I Want To Go Back To Work]

[Baby Blog: It's New Year's Eve And I Wish I Was Out. There, I Said It]