Mum Diary: It’s normal to feel nervous

It’s been an exciting week for my family with the news that my sister has given birth to healthy twins; one boy and one girl.

We aunts and uncles, cousins and grandparents are obviously overjoyed at this two-for-one baby deal, but conversations with my sister have reminded me just how tough the first baby (or in her case, babies) can be.

[Mum Diary: I can't wait to embarrass my children too!]
[Mum Diary: That awkward moment when you forget you can’t sing]

First-time motherhood can be a really lonely time, even with the family all crowding round to gush over the new arrival. They aren’t there at 2am when the baby hasn’t slept for five hours and refuses to feed – and that’s when it can all feel pretty challenging.

If you’re a first-time mum reading this then the good news is that it will never be this hard again. With my second baby, Olly, I felt ready to leave the hospital just a few hours after he arrived – and that was despite giving birth in a hospital corridor after the midwives refused to believe I was in labour.

I knew what to expect, I knew what I was doing and I knew that Olly would soon pick it all up too.

But my shell-shocked, sleep-deprived sister has reminded me of just how hard first babies are – I’m so impressed that she’s coping with two.

[Mum Diary: How do you discipline a two-year-old?]
[Mum Diary: Should my baby eat better than me?]

“This too shall pass,” says the proverb, and I always thought it meant that the difficulties would soon be over. Now I understand that it means both good times and bad times will pass – and it’s exactly what new parents need to keep in mind. The sleepless nights, the vomiting, the crying, all of that will pass. But so will those hours of newborn cuddles where you’re both staring in wonder at each other’s faces.

When Harry arrived, I refused to leave the hospital for two days. I said it was because I wasn’t confident feeding him, but actually it was because I was utterly, utterly terrified.

We finally took him home – driving at about five miles an hour thanks to our sudden fear of the roads – and I was reminded of the comedian Shappi Khorsandi who said of her firstborn: "You're just sent home and you've got to keep it alive!"

I don’t remember those early cuddles and precious moments I enjoyed with Baby Olly, I just remember the terror. Was he too hot? Was he too cold? Was he breathing? Was he feeding enough? Was he feeding too much?

I remember lying in bed and questioning what had made me feel I was ready to look after something as tiny, vulnerable and precious as Baby Harry. After a lifetime of mostly being good at things, I suddenly felt inadequate when it came to the most important job I had ever undertaken.

And then, over a few weeks I remember the fog starting to lift. I no longer felt like I would break him if I held him, I began to dress him more confidently, and talk to him.

[Mum Diary: I was mistaken for a perfect parent!]
[Mum Diary: Why are mums always late? It's took an hour to get my two in the car...]

While feeding him I would read aloud from my Dickens novel in the hopes I was sowing the seeds of a Man-Booker prize winner. I sang Smiths classics to him until I learned some nursery rhymes. Then he suddenly smiled for the first time and I cried again, but this time because I was so happy.

It has all been so different the second time round. I wish all new mothers could enjoy their first babies as much as their second but I don’t know any who don’t admit that the early days were scary. Some, like me, will even admit that the very early days were far from enjoyable.

While it’s been tiring, I have enjoyed Baby Olly’s early babyhood so much more. Now I know how short a time those newborn cuddles last, I’ve been able to treasure them rather than just survive them.

And if you feel bad about not enjoying those early days of parenthood then please don’t. What matters isn’t how you survive in the first few days and weeks, it’s how you parent your children for the rest of your lives. Just keep repeating: this too shall pass.

What are your memories of your first baby? Were you a natural mother? Share your experiences and tips with me and other readers using the comments below.