Mum Diary: How to survive the second baby

First babies take up all of your time, while second babies have no choice but to slot in. But when I was pregnant with Olly, I was very worried about how I’d give him the attention he would need without neglecting my pre-schooler.

After all, when my toddler Harry was born he took up all of my time. Literally all of my time; if I wasn’t asleep I was looking after the baby.

I spent the whole day (and most of the night) cuddling him, feeding him and singing to him; housework was ignored and I lived on biscuits because I didn’t have time to even make sandwiches.

My husband picked up my share of the housework. He was as amazed as me at just how often this tiny human needed to be fed and how angry he could get if he was ever put down in his Moses basket.

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It was about 10 weeks in before I started to feel like I had any time to myself and probably four months before I felt on top of everything again.

My second baby Olly was a planned and much-wanted pregnancy, but as his due-date grew closer I started to get a bit panicked. At just under two, Harry was quite a handful and needed a lot of attention – how would I manage a newborn too?

I couldn’t sink back into a pit of no laundry, no housework and no cooking – I had a toddler to attend to. I even bought a self-help book on coping with two, which didn’t help at all. Its tips included suggestions like ‘hire a cleaner’ and ‘never go upstairs empty handed’.

So I’ve been giving some thought to the advice I would offer a soon-to-be mum-of-two. Here are my tips as a recent survivor of two-under-two.

Be calm, you’re a natural

The first thing to know is that it will be easier this time round. As a new mother, you’re learning how to actually look after this tiny, red-faced screamer that you love so much it makes you breathless. I spent hours worrying that I was holding Harry wrong, feeding him wrong and putting on the wrong number of blankets.

But the second time round you know exactly what you’re doing. You’ll be casually calming the baby with one hand, while playing Ping-Pong with your toddler with the other, that’s how easy it will be compared to the terror of first-time motherhood.

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The baby doesn’t need all your waking attention

You’ll simply have less time with number two but he or she won’t suffer.

New mothers can devote all their waking hours to their babies if they want to - I certainly did with Harry. I even went through a phase of reading him Dickens thinking it would grow his brain – he was about five days old.

However, babies don’t actually need that non-stop attention. At no point in the history of the human species has a baby needed the full-time, unceasing and totally dedicated care of an adult – otherwise we’d only be able to have one child every 18 years.

In fact, I think Olly benefits from occasionally having to sit back and watch while I look after his brother. He’s more sociable with other adults, he’s better able to entertain himself and he can sleep in his own cot, rather than cradled in my arms.

He’s also more physically forward, crawling at seven months compared to Harry at 10 months. Of course, these things might just be their different personalities and traits, but I feel like he’s more independent as a result of sharing me with a sibling.

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A hands-free baby

One of the most practical pieces of advice I can offer any new parent-of-two is to invest in a sling. A comfy fabric sling will cradle your newborn close to your chest, where they will feel warm and safe, even as you run around doing jobs or playing with your toddler.

Slings aren’t that tricky to master, although it’s a good idea to go along to a sling meet or specialist retailer to make sure your baby is safely positioned.

I spent hours each day cradling Harry and I was worried that Olly would miss out on that. But thanks to my sling, he didn’t have to, and Harry didn’t resent his baby brother so much because Mummy could still play with him.

Watch your language

To help avoid toddler resentment, be careful how you phrase things. I noticed that if I said to Harry: ‘Sorry Harry, I can’t play because I’m feeding Olly,” he’d get cross at the baby.

However, if I said: “Sorry Harry, I can’t play because I have my hands full,” he was much less resentful.

You’ve got to make time for yourself

When you have one baby, you can at least snatch a few moments to yourself. When they nap, you can race around and do housework but you can occasionally sit still and drink a much-needed cup of coffee.

This is not the case with two. Not only is there far more washing and ironing to do when they’re actually asleep, my two seem to have formed an unspoken arrangement that they will sleep in shifts, ensuring that one is constantly awake. Sometimes they manage to pull this off throughout the night too.

That’s why you need to ask a partner, grandparent or friend to occasionally take over and give you the time to at least sit and eat a meal uninterrupted. Or read a chapter of a book that isn’t made of cardboard.

What are your tips for managing with two? How many children did you have? Share your family experiences with me and other readers using the comments below.