Mum Diary: A guide to eating out with a baby and toddler

Before we had children, back when life involved more disposable income and free time my husband and I used to go to restaurants.

We weren’t eating out every night, but we’d very often treat ourselves to a curry or pizza and a glass of wine or two. Since our toddler Harry and Baby Olly exploded into our lives we eat out much less, but the temptation is still there.

So, this week we had a few things to celebrate; my husband got a new contract and Baby Olly reached six months. “I can’t be bothered with the washing up, let’s celebrate and go out!” I suggested, somehow forgetting the last time we did that I said I’d rather wash up 18-times as much than try to keep Harry in his seat when he wants to see where the waiters are going.

The husband agreed, so we loaded the boys into the car and headed off to a family-friendly chain restaurant at the unfashionable but child-suitable time of 5pm.

Here’s what happened.

17:00 We load the boys into the car, telling Harry of the impending treat. Harry is excited and bringing eight toy cars, some in his hands and one under his chin.

17:03 While driving, Harry drops one of his cars and can’t reach it. Begins wailing.

17:04 Baby Olly doesn’t like to hear Harry wailing on his own and joins in.

17:05 Traffic jam.

17:20 We reach the restaurant.  Boys instantly stop crying as Harry has remembered this restaurant has balloons for the children. He begins a chant of: “Can I have a balloon now? A white one?”

17:25 We are shown to our seats. “Can I have a balloon now? A white one?”

17:30 The waiter asks if we’d like drinks. “CAN I HAVE A BALLOON NOW? A WHITE ONE?”

17:31 We go to the balloons. There are no white ones.

17:35 After several minutes of negotiation, Harry agrees to accept a green balloon if (and only if) Mummy draws a face on it when we get home. I agree.

[Mum Diary: I can't wait to embarrass my children too!]
[Mum Diary: That awkward moment when you forget you can’t sing]

17:36 We decide to skip starters and order mains, including a child’s pizza as a treat for Harry. Harry is being very quiet and good, leaning over his chair watching the restaurant.

17: 42 A child behind us begins to cry and we realise that Harry has not been innocently watching the restaurant. He has been staring out the table behind us for the last seven minutes. They have all stopped talking and are just watching him nervously.

17:43 We ask Harry to turn around and sit down. He continues to stare ominously at the child behind us, like he’s auditioning for a Stanley Kubrick film.

17:44 My husband attempts to turn Harry around but the two-year-old flings his arms up and twists, somehow wriggling out of his grip and sliding onto the floor. Without exchanging a word, my husband and I lock our legs at the end of the table booth, creating a impenetrable barrier to stop him escaping.

17:47 We know we should pull him up off the floor but he seems to be sitting playing with his toy cars so we take a few minutes to talk about the new contract, while I feed Baby Olly.

17:49 Harry says: “Oh look, a sweetie!” and we both dive under the table to grab him before he can eat god-knows-what off the floor. His meal interrupted, Olly begins to wail.

17:50 Food! We cheat and wash Harry’s hands with a baby wipe. He’s delighted to have a pizza and a glass of juice with no lid, and sits beautifully for our meal. I finish giving Olly his milk and we all relax and eat. This lasts two minutes, but they are a good two minutes.

17:52 Having eaten half a slice of pizza, Harry is no longer really hungry and loses interest in food. He dives back under the table and has to be pulled back. We wash his hands with a baby wipe again.

17:53 Harry sits nicely and keeps eating but occasionally bangs his fork into a glass, making people in the restaurant look round expecting a speech. We ask him to stop but this is severely undermined by Baby Olly collapsing in giggles every time he does it – if there’s one thing Harry likes it’s an appreciative audience. The banging increases.

[Mum Diary: How do you discipline a two-year-old?]
[Mum Diary: Should my baby eat better than me?]

17:54 We remove Harry’s fork and stop his outraged wailing by opening up the restaurant’s children’s pack that a waiter helpfully brings over. There are some puzzles and some crayons. “Here you are Harry,” says my husband cheerfully. “But it’s for older children so you may need Mummy to help.”

18:00 My meal goes stone cold as I try to help Harry with the puzzles. These aren’t for older children, these must be for advanced MENSA members. Perhaps it’s a test and if one of us can solve this bright cardboard game then MI6 will pop out from under the table and recruit us to their crack code-breaking squad. Harry is staring doubtfully at me while I concentrate more than I did for my university finals. My husband is now feeding Baby Olly some puree; his own meal has also gone cold. On the plus side, both Harry and Olly are eating.

18:05 Harry has eaten half his meal, which is clearly meant for older kids and is huge. We agree that he can have pudding now and order him an ice-cream. I suffer a pang of guilt and make a mental note to give him fruit when we get home.

18:10 The ice-cream arrives, occupying all of Harry’s attention. Baby Olly goes to sleep in his car seat. My husband and I start frantically eating our stone-cold food.

18:15 Harry has eaten half his ice cream and smeared the rest around his face. We use the last of the baby wipes to clean him up and make a bolt for it.

18:30 Home. We collapse on the sofas, utterly exhausted and both still hungry. Without saying a word, my husband fetches a bottle of wine from the garage and puts it in the fridge to chill. That’s how we’ll celebrate. When the boys are in bed.

So there you have it. This diary entry is called ‘A guide to eating out with a baby and a toddler’. My advice is: don’t. Put the kids to bed, order a takeaway and actually relax.

OK other parents, any tips? Do your kids behave beautifully in restaurants? Did they at two? Do you risk eating out or are you waiting until the children leave home? Share your experiences with me and other readers in the comments below.