The Things No One Tells You About Becoming A Dad

The only thing I remember now from our antenatal classes was that they passed the gas and air around for everyone to try.

They should probably have spent the time teaching us some of this stuff instead.

Labour
You might think you're ready but nothing, absolutely nothing, can prepare you for seeing your partner take this on. My wife was heroic, I was a helpless bystander wanting nothing more than to be able to take on the burden of this pain.

The way she brought our children into the world with a lot of gusto and the minimum of fuss; I could never have imagined it in a million years. I see her in a whole new way now, and it's nothing short of awe.

Tiredness
You get it; she's got the monopoly on exhaustion. But sometimes it would be nice if she'd just acknowledge that you're tired too.

Don't do it my friend. You'll lose every time - most definitely the argument, and possibly an eye.

Losing Your Looks
Hand in hand with the tiredness like no other, comes your rapidly aging appearance.

Shortly after the birth of my second child, I was walking through the centre of Brighton - the location of my misspent youth - and caught a glimpse of my reflection in a pub window. I didn't recognise myself. I look so old, so soft in all the right places. So dad-like.

Teamwork
It takes two to make a baby, and I'm pretty grateful there are two of us to raise ours. Having children has taken my relationship with my wife to a whole new level.

The understanding, the tolerance, the sleep-deprived snapping at each other, the seeing her in her post-baby granny pants and knowing she's never looked so beautiful as she does right at that minute. She's my wife and the mother of my children and I couldn't be more proud.

Housework
Having children will give you OCD. My house is no longer my own. I spend my days following in the wake of a destructive toddler, fruitlessly tidying as she untidies.

Who knew babies come with so much stuff. And why is so much of it noisy, flashing, colourful, horrible plastic stuff? I hate those toys. But I am more than happy to buy them for others - you're not getting away with it if I'm not.

Present-Buying
My wife is impossible to buy for. Impossible. It was bad enough when I had to get her one birthday present and one Christmas present a year. Now I need to buy her something from the kids too. And not forgetting Mother's Day now. It's mission impossible.

Nappies
When they tell you that somehow you'll be able to deal with your child's faeces without it turning your stomach, don't believe them.

While it might be weirdly true most of the time, there will come a day when you're faced with a nappy so bad, that permeates your whole house so entirely, that you're amazed the walls are still standing and the bricks and mortar haven't melted.

When it happens, there's only one thing for it: hand the stinker over to your partner. That's a bottom only a mother could love.

Milestones
Who would have thought seeing your baby find his own nose would fill your heart with such bittersweet joy? This time will be over all too soon. Enjoy every moment.

Your Children Growing Up
You're bursting with pride to see your children learn and grow, but you'll probably be terrified too. I'm pencilling in a heart attack for when my firstborn, a daughter, turns 15. She's not dating until she's at least 30. My son, on the other hand, can be quite the ladies man as soon as he likes.

Missing Your Old Life
Sometimes you'll catch yourself longing for a normal life again. And a lie in. That's okay. It's only natural to look back wistfully upon that freedom we used to take for granted.

But when you do finally get a night off, don't be surprised if you find it boring. Save yourself the bother and just get a good night's sleep instead. For the hangover/children combo awaiting you after a night will destroy you.

Sex Life
Obviously you're likely to be on the subs bench for a while after your baby has been born. Just don't do what I did by making baby number two the very first time you're let off the bench. You'll find yourself being sent straight back there.

For a long, long time.

[New Mummy Blog: The Great Parenthood Gender Divide]

[New Mummy Blog: The Cut Throat World Of Children’s Nursery Places]