Parents Confess The Things They Know About Their Child – That They’ll Never Tell Them

Some things are better left unsaid – particularly when you’re a parent who has discovered something about your child that you shouldn’t have. Or did something to your child that you definitely don’t want them to know about.

But while parents using Reddit may not want to let their children know that they know their secrets, their confessions on a trending thread make for a pretty darn hilarious read. We just hope none of the children in question stumble across this thread… or article. 

Reddit user ‘theexplosivecandle’ started the admission board, after asking parents what they know about their child that they will never tell him or her.

And clearly parents have plenty of confessions to make, as in just a couple of days the question has had almost 17,000 responses.

Parents have been ‘fessing up to everything from letting their child eat something they shouldn’t have to witnessing cringe-worthy moments from when their son or daughter was small.

Brace yourself...

These Children Will Never Know How They Came To Be

deadtomsdead: "She was conceived because I REALLY wanted an Iced Cappuccino from Tim Hortons. He didn't feel like driving so I made him a deal. It actually ended pretty nicely in a field under a clear night sky with many many stars out."

euphoric_destruction: "That there's a chance he was conceived while me and his dad were both tripping on acid."

These Children Ate Something They Shouldn’t Have

Waterlilies1919: "That she ate cat poop.

We had a very long haired cat at the time (RIP little buddy). Apparently some poop got stuck to his fur only to fall out upstairs where the baby was crawling around and found it. Five years later she is still a normal happy and healthy child. Sorry sweetheart!"

TacoMeatFromHell: "Accidentally fed him some used brake fluid once because I drained the old stuff into a juice container from the recycling bin and forgot to mark it. It was in the garage way out of the way, but after a couple weeks of forgetting to take it to AutoZone to recycle, I thought my wife had left it in the garage after a grocery trip and put it in the fridge. Next day he wanted some juice, so I filled up his cup with what I thought was juice. He took one sip and said 'I DONT LIKE THIS JUICE!'

Then I remembered. Won't be telling him or the wife that one."

This Child Attempted To Milk Himself

LightninBoltsaGlowin: "I caught my son once pretending to milk himself into a bucket while taking a bath. He was only around four years old, so I don't think he remembers, but he was hovering over a bucket and squeezing his penis. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was pretending his penis was an udder and he was trying to get milk. I said okay honey and slowly closed the door. The end.

This Child’s Biggest Fan Is His Mum

ggnoplay: "I'll never tell my dear son that I follow every fucking single comment he makes on reddit and that I'm the one who gives him the golds.. Poor kid will always think that he's a such funny person."

This Child Will Never Know She Was Thrown Across A Room By Her Mum

greycatjack: "I will never, ever tell my daughter that when she was one week old I accidentally threw her across the room onto a wood floor. It was about 2 am, I was breastfeeding her in the living room and a huge spider crawled on my arm. The whole new-baby/late-at-night thing made me stupid, so my reaction was to use the arm I was holding the baby in to get the spider off my other arm. My little girl went flying. It was horrible. She was fine, though. Completely unharmed, just kind of p****d off.

"NO ONE TELL HER."

This Child Will Never Know About This One Particular Teething Toy

californialimabean: "Went to use the bathroom and I left our 8-month old on the rug. I found her in the walk-in closet gnawing on my dildo."

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