Online Dating: How To Make The First Move

Hi! Um. HELLO! Hello cutie! Hi you! (lol). Sorry, not the usual way I’d try to get your attention at the beginning of a feature, I know.

But if you’ve been online dating recently, those few words will probably feel fairly familiar. Because they’re what many of us get in our inbox from potential suitors (male and female) in the online dating quagmire. It’s hard work, sending the right message.

Sometimes a ‘hi’ feels like all you have the energy for. And after all, it might be what you’d say in a bar or club. But if you want to go a step further, and take making contact through to meeting up, here’s what the experts have to say.

Keep it short and simple
A long, drawn-out message is not necessary. But you’ll tend to find it you’re a girl, a man will either write a long, long message, or a very short one.

Girls, you can send messages but if you like the thrill of a man getting in touch, a ‘wink’, ‘favourite’ or whatever the site you’re on allows is a good first move. A bit like smiling at someone across a bar.

Kate Taylor from match.com, says: “It’s usually the men who send longer messages. If they do that and no ladies reply they tend to default to ‘hi’ because they get sick of sending out long spiels and getting nothing back. Men are quite efficient in nature so they try to do things in a more time efficient way. Women tend to be more romantic.

A man will send a few long messages – but to the top 2 per cent of women on the site. Then, because those women get inundated, these men don’t get a reply. So after a while they think ‘this is an inefficient use of my time’ so they start sending a shorter message.

Never be insulted by a short message. Bear the above in mind. Reply and you might find his next message is more detailed.” Sarah Beeny, founder of My Single Friend, adds that referring to something in the profile is an obvious but simple and polite opener, too.

What if it sounds like he’s cut and paste it, mail shot style?
Kate Taylor says: “I know what you mean. One of the men I spoke to at a live dating event was lovely, great job, but he wasn’t getting replies.

He said ‘I get some text and I copy and paste that…’ I said ‘woah!’ ‘yawn!’ you are not going to get replies. People can tell when you have done that. And women take that as quite insulting. We shouldn’t but we do. It’s not an insult to you it’s a man trying to make the most of his time. It’s like him getting his tools out before he puts up a shelf.”

So we’re chatting… and chatting.. and…
You get the idea. He’s all talk and no asking you out. Well, life’s a bit short for that, says Sarah Beeny.

“He needs to get on with it or you should move on,” she advises.

“No offering for him to meet your parents after the first email but if you get through about three or four then you can say ‘would you like to meet for a coffee?’

If you messaged first, though, it will either be down to you to ask to meet, and expect to be the ‘masculine leader’ in the relationship from that point forward, adds Kate Taylor.

“Only do two or three sentences. The fact you’re writing is a big step. Remember if you have made initial contact the ‘rule’ is that you are likely to be the one to have to do the asking out.”

If there’s no sign of him asking to meet, don’t message for a while, and see if he comes back to chatting and notice if his tone changes, she adds.

So I’m feeling brave – how do I ask them out?
Some people ask to swap phone numbers, and move onto messaging apps. Some like to have a quick phone call before discussing a date.

Don’t be afraid to ask.

And your key phrase here is “Fancy a coffee?” Coffee dates are simple and quick.

Lovestruck’s Justine Hull says: “The speed of their response will help you gauge how interested they are. Have they answered any of your questions? Have they asked you any? If your gut tells you they are interested, tell them you're much better chatting face to face and suggest meeting for a coffee or after work drink.

“Life it too short for digital tennis. The only way you're going to know they're for you is by meeting up. They say no? Their loss, move on.”

Chill out, get chatting but not for too long, then meet

Sarah Beeny believes that the first time you meet is you both deciding if, really, you’d like to go on a proper first date together. So stay light hearted. The experts agree that meeting as many single members of the opposite sex as you can, for a chat and, usually, a coffee, is the best way.

Don’t be too hung up on what they’ve written or their height and hair, just get meeting them, and see what things are like when ‘hi’ is said in person.

[Perfect Your Dating Profile]
[5 Tips For Online Dating]