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New Mummy blog: Why we shouldn't pressure our children

Our new mummy blogger explains why she feels we shouldn't expect achievements from our youngsters, but should celebrate what they can do.

Along with “is this poo normal” slideshows, one of the internet’s main purposes for new parents is the baby milestone chart.

Type in “four week old baby development” or “five month old baby milestones” and you’ve got a whole host of milestone charts and lists to choose from, each helpfully broken down into weekly or monthly boxes to show what your little one should have mastered by now.

Some go even further, telling you the skills that most, half and just a few babies in that age bracket are now displaying.

Of course, every proud parent wants their child to fall into the ‘few’ category, because we all believe our offspring to be gifted, don’t you know? And it can be uneasy, or even troubling, when they’re not.

I know, we should all just let babies be babies, and not worry about holding them to specific achievements and developments so young. They’ve got a childhood of that ahead of them at school.

But you can’t help but read these lists, mentally ticking off the skills your baby has mastered (laughing, clapping, blowing bubbles), and ignoring those she is not yet doing (in our case, pointing. But, hey, it’s rude to point, anyway).

Honor has been very much on track (pointing excepted) and has been romping her way through the expected milestones quite happily. Which of course I’m delighted about: what sort of parent would I be if I wasn’t pleased to know my baby is developing as she should be?

[New Mummy blog: Weaning my baby from soft to solid foods]
[New Mummy blog: I can't be a 'tiger mother']

But should we be so held hostage to these lists? Of course not. Okay, so they all end with a small, asterisked disclaimer that all babies develop at their own rate, which is great. But then they add “if you’re worried, see a doctor”. Not exactly very reassuring, after all.

And I know it shouldn’t matter if Honor has mastered something by a set monthly deadline, or a few weeks later. But, to any proud parent, it does matter. And, in fact, wouldn’t it be odd if it didn’t matter? If I didn’t care if she was rolling, crawling, walking, developing and learning?

But that’s the important bit – as she should. Not anyone else. I guess as long as the comparing I’m doing is with a list, rather than with her peers, then that’s healthy enough.

I’ve long feared the clichéd competitive mother streak showing up, either in me or in my mummy friends. I will admit to experiencing it once when at playgroup I realised that Honor’s little friend, almost exactly the same age as her, had overtaken her in his ability to sit unaided. Honor was still flopping from one side to another, while he was sitting strongly and happily on his own.

I’m ashamed to say that we went home and practiced sitting. It didn’t take long – by the next day, Honor had it mastered and was sitting up on her own unsupported and unaided.

I’d found it easier to ignore the list telling me she should have mastered this by now, than seeing another baby doing it. But I felt so guilty afterwards, for putting pressure on my happy, lovely little girl to catch up when it really didn’t matter if she was sitting yet or not.

It made me realise that I’d much rather focus on what she is achieving, rather than what she is yet to achieve. And so I’ve gone back to scanning my milestone lists, celebrating her achievements and, more importantly, ignoring any bits that don’t fit.