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New Mummy Blog: Going Back To Work Was Heartbreaking

The perils of returning to work and having to leave your child in nursery for the first time was daunting for our first-time-mum blogger, but luckily she found a great daycare centre..

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This week we’ve been sorting out Honor’s childcare for when I return to work. We’d been putting it off, but as the date creeps ever closer we’ve finally had to face up to reality.

After spending a little time looking into the different options – childminder, nursery or nanny – it became apparent that a nursery would be the best option for us.

We live in a small town and have a choice of three or four nurseries locally. After discounting one due to its Ofsted rating, we were left with three to go and visit.

I was dreading it. I couldn’t help but feel guilty at the thought of handing Honor over to someone else to look after. It made it worse that she had no idea where we were going or why we were there on the visits, as she innocently and happily took it all in.

It was quite astonishing to see how the three places varied. One was miserable, run by a lady who would give Matilda’s Miss Trunchbull a run for her money. I was scared of her, never mind the poor children. The thought of leaving Honor there broke my heart – we quickly made our excuses and left.

The second was also no good, for other reasons. On a farm, run by an ex-London banker who had had enough of the commute and the long hours, we got the impression it was haphazard and disorganised, with no learning structure. There seemed to be no other children of Honor’s age – all the others were two or older.

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Luckily the third was an entirely different experience. A small nursery on the edge of town, surrounded by fields, it was friendly and welcoming as well as professional and efficient. The children all seemed so happy and settled, and Honor was quickly enveloped into the fold, dashing from toy to toy, not knowing what to look at or do first.

Every detail was carefully thought through, from the cosy little cot room for nap times, to the wonderful-sounding menu the children get each day – Honor will easily be the best fed in our house. And the children clearly adored the staff, which was so reassuring.

We left feeling relieved, ready to sign Honor up on the spot. I don’t think I will ever be able to feel truly happy about leaving my child with someone else five days a week. I’ll never be able to convince myself she wouldn’t be better off with my undivided, one-on-one attention.

But we are very lucky to have found a wonderful nursery for her. And I’m sure the interaction with the other children and the structured and stimulating learning environment will help her to thrive in ways that I wouldn’t necessarily be able to.

I still dread the day that I return to work and she starts nursery. I am grateful that my husband will be doing the morning drop off – I’m not sure I would be able to cope with being the one to leave our little one-year-old there that first day. I know she’s going to feel abandoned.

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Everyone tells me that the best thing about going back to work is that the time you then spend with your child becomes so unbelievably precious. It becomes real quality time, rather than the day-to-day, and that you both benefit from it. I like this – it helps with the guilt, even just a little bit. And it’s something to focus on, as the countdown to Honor’s start day ticks on and on.

But for now, I’m making the most of every lovely minute of every single day I get to spend with her. It’s true what they say – your baby’s first year is the fastest year of your life.