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New Mummy Blog: Things I Never Thought I'd Do... And Then I Had Kids

From sniffing possibly pooey bottoms to bribing your child, motherhood makes you do some odd things, says our mummy blogger

It turns out that motherhood can make you do things you never thought you'd do.

Some of them are disgusting (snot suckers, anyone?); too many of them involve bodily fluids - and not your own; and not all of them are done for the good of your children. Or you.

Here are some of my personal highlights…

Sniffing Bottoms For Poo
It's disgusting. But necessary. Sometimes it's not even my child I'm sniffing.

The relief when you discover that THAT smell is coming from someone else's child's bottom and not your own child's almost makes it worth it.

Bleughhhh another stinker [Rex]
Bleughhhh another stinker [Rex]

Become A Baby Bore
I was never going to become one of these. I didn't even really like kids before I had my own. There was no way I was going to lose my identity and become, horror of horrors, a baby bore.

Except I think I have. I spend all day, every day, with two little people. I'm no longer sure I have anything else to talk about.

It's hard to stop talking about my babies!
It's hard to stop talking about my babies!

Lying
The following statement possibly makes me the worst mother ever: I lie to my children all the time.

They might be little white lies - that she won't like the cake I'm eating or that the iPad is out of battery - but they're still lies, falling on the innocent and trusting ears of my offspring.

Wear 'Comfortable' Clothes
It turns out I've lost more than my identity. I've also lost my ability to dress well. In my pre-children days fashion was a big part of my job and my life. Then something happened. I got pregnant.

Without Kate Middleton's budget (or genetics), it's pretty difficult to look amazing in maternity clothes.

I'm most comfortable in my mum jeans these days [Rex]
I'm most comfortable in my mum jeans these days [Rex]

Then came nursing. It turns out that your wardrobe is severely limited when you need to be able to get your boobs out 27 times a day, in public, without flashing everyone around you.

And then the toddler phase, where you've got to be quick on your feet, and will probably be covered in food, snot, or unidentifiable goo most of the time. Now I'm in toddler plus newborn days combined, there's no hope left.

My beautiful clothes are gathering dust and I'm sitting in my comfortable mum jeans (not the good kind) and sensible shoes.

Trying To Bribe My Daughter
I use food to get my daughter to do my bidding. If the lying didn't make me feel bad enough, this ought to do it.

Is it so bad if we bribe our kids every so often? [Rex]
Is it so bad if we bribe our kids every so often? [Rex]

Refer To Yourself In The Third Person
"Give that to Mummy please"; "Mummy loves you"; "Mummy needs a glass of wine". Why can't I stop referring to myself as 'Mummy' when I'm talking to my children?

What's happened to my ability to use personal pronouns? And how are they ever going to learn to use I and me correctly when I can't even do so myself?

Even worse is when I catch myself calling my husband Daddy. When the kids aren't there.

[New Mummy Blog: What You Definitely Shouldn’t Say To A New Mum]

[New Mummy Blog: Stop Trying To Label My Parenting Choices]