Mum Diary: When You Want To Shout At Someone Else’s Kid

Generally speaking I’m kind to children and, more often than not, I genuinely like them.

I love my own, obviously; nature wallops you with enough hormones at birth to make that practically a given. But even putting maternal instinct aside, I like my children. I admire their adventurous spirits; I enjoy their endless enthusiasm for working out how the world works.

And most of the little people I meet are children of friends or family, so I am genuinely fond of them. They are sweetly behaved, earnest and polite kids.

But I also see a lot of other children, at my boys’ pre-school, at soft play, in the park, at our various activity clubs. I have no connection to these children other than how they are interacting with my boys. So if those children lash out at my two, I can find it hard to remember that they are only tiny themselves – I have this almost overwhelming urge to scream at the aggressor and demand instant reparation from their parents.

It’s not something I admire in myself, this sudden surge of maternal fury. So what do I do about it?

Moments When I Have Nearly Lost It
The closest I have come to losing it was with a child, about five years old, who punched my then-three-year-old in the face and then tried to throttle him. I have never come closer to grabbing a child and frogmarching him away from my own.

As it was, I calmed myself and Harry and then fetched a member of staff. It turned out that child had done the same thing to other children at the play centre and his parents were spoken to seriously by a calm, dispassionate member of staff. That was probably better than furious me confronting them.

Afterwards, thinking back about what happened, I was glad I hadn’t screamed at that child. I don’t know what made him so violent or where he learned the trick of putting his hands around people’s throats. I am sad for him that he does.

But it’s not just physical assaults. The sight of a child shunning mine or purposefully excluding one of them from an activity makes me livid with anger. I want to march into the group, shatter the social hierarchy and demand they accept my child immediately and behave better in the future.

Of course, all children experience rejection. Little boys and girls are very socially complex as they learn about group dynamics and where they fit into the pecking order. I would not be doing Harry or Olly any favours by controlling their socialising – they need to learn to stand up for themselves. Rationally I know that, so when I see it happening I have to count to 10 to get a lid on my outrage before trying to involve my children in a different activity or leaving them alone to find their way back into the game, depending on how distressed they look.

I have surprised myself at how angry I can feel towards a group of little girls telling Harry they ‘don’t play with boys’. Or when an older child tells Olly they ‘don’t play with babies’. It is bad, but it is not as bad as physical aggression.

How Do I Keep A Lid On It?
So far, I have never yet yelled in anger at a pre-schooler. Don’t worry, I don’t think that makes me a good person – none of us should respond aggressively to children, no matter how aggressive their behaviour has been.

If a child can’t control his or her temper and we respond by shouting at them, they are hardly going to learn any lessons about keeping cool and calm, are they? That’s one of the reasons that the first thing I do is comfort my own child. I find that a few minutes spent rocking them, calming them and wiping away their tears tends to put me in a better frame of mind before I look for that child’s parents.

Then, I look for the parent’s response. If they are chastising their child then it is not my business to add to it – they know what is appropriate. More importantly, they know more about the context of their child’s behaviour. They know if he is scared by a big change or recent death. They know if she has a behavioural condition and needs extra understanding. They know if their child is sad or angry because of something that happened before they ran into my child. Chances are that they feel embarrassed – I know I do when my own children behave badly. At that point I will usually leave things alone, I don’t need to add to the child’s emotions or the parent’s stress.

And if I don’t see the parent chastising the child, then I will make sure they are aware of what happened. But if the parent doesn’t care enough to address their child’s behaviour then I know one thing for certain – it is absolutely not that child’s fault and I should not shout at them.

Have you felt angry at someone else’s child? Ever lost your cool? Share your experiences with other readers using the comments below.

[Mum Diary: Why I Don’t Discipline My Children] https://uk.lifestyle.yahoo.com/mum-diary--why-i-don-t-discipline-my-children-154452398.html

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