Mum Diary: Stop Saying 'Wow' To My Kids

When faced with an overexcited toddler babbling on about Iron Man or sharks or whether or not a t-rex would eat kippers, what do you do?

Do you enthusiastically enter into the conversation, running with the idea that it might eat kippers but would struggle to use a fork because of its tiny arms?

Do you laugh but look to the parent for help because the conversation is waaay out of your depth? Or do you enthusiastically say: “wow!” and then go back to ignoring them?
 
I ask this question because I’d say a good half of all adults respond to my boys’ enthusiasm with the word “wow” and then stop talking to them.

The wowing adult no doubt thinks they have positively and excitedly entered into the child’s conversation, and, having done their bit, they return to talking to the grown-ups.

That’s why I think it’s time to ban the word, so that adults have to actually engage with youngsters.

Wow, Their Feelings Are Hurt
The thing is, toddlers aren’t stupid. They know when a person isn’t interested and they usually don’t mind.

In fact, my two will continue doggedly telling you about Iron Man or sharks or whatever it is, whether you want to hear or not – they are still learning about social cues.

But when the adult turns to them and excitedly says, “wow!” before going back to ignoring them, it can be devastating. On the one hand, the adult seemed excited and interested, but now they clearly couldn’t care less.

Imagine for a moment if you enthusiastically told your partner or boss about a “really exciting thing” that you were “incredibly pleased” about.

If they said, “Wow!” but then went back to drinking coffee and reading the paper, how would you feel? Wounded, hurt, belittled? Why would you think toddlers would feel any differently?

 
Wow, Kids Can Be Boring
I’m not suggesting that everyone in the world should humour my children. There is absolutely no reason why an unconnected, disinterested adult should have to feign interest in their ramblings, which often don’t make sense and almost exclusively revolve around dinosaurs and superheroes.

When my children attempt to engage you in conversation on the bus or train, you are well within your rights to ignore them. You can even frown at me until I panic and distract them with Angry Birds on my phone.

But anyone who is fond of my children, or who wants to be friendly with them simply needs to try harder. Saying “wow” is dismissive, unless it’s followed up by something else.

Children don’t want to be humoured; they want to be heard.

Wow, I Do It Too
The thing that makes me feel a bit sheepish about this rant is that I do it too.

Not all the time – I spend a worrying amount of every single day discussing whether or not Superman and the Joker would be friends if they just played football together occasionally (three-year-old Harry says “yes”, I say “no”, 23-month-old Olly says “SPROOKERMAN!”).

But there are undeniably times where my mind just… zones out.

I’m loading the dishwasher and thinking about cooking supper, and Harry or Olly are jabbering away next to me, and I do occasionally find myself simply exclaiming: “Really?” “Wow.” “Super-cool!” like some sort of maternal Furby.

And I have decided to stop the dismissive enthusiasm. I won’t be able to stop my thoughts occasionally wandering, especially when Harry starts trying to tell knock-knock jokes.

Yet what I have realised is that the small stuff they babble on about now really matters to them. If I want them to keep talking to me and confide in me about big issues and worries later, then I need to listen to them now.

If we stop talking then we risk losing our close communication, which could be disastrous when they are older.

And if you care about my children, or any children, then talk to them. Don’t say “wow” or “ooh” or “crikey” and then turn away; get down to their level and chat to them, even if it’s just for a few minutes.

Children want to be heard and they want to be engaged with. A false-enthusiastic “wow!” is too easy. If you want to show children you really care then talk to them properly.

What do you think? Is our mum diarist right, or should children learn that adults don’t always want to chat? Have your say using the comments below.

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