Mum Diary: Of Course My Baby Isn't Good

Am I the only mother who recoils when people ask if their baby is ‘good’? It starts as soon as they are born, when strangers come up to you in the street or supermarket to marvel at the brand new human.

“Awww, look at his tiny feet,” they’ll coo and I will bask in their adoration of my son. But then they always ask, “Is he good?”

Having had two babies now, I have really had my fill of this question. Don’t get me wrong, my boys have always enjoyed the attention and I like chatting to people. I especially like chatting to people who have stopped me so they can tell me how beautiful my baby is.

After all, I could talk for hours about my children. In fact I do talk for hours about them; I have to consciously stop myself talking about them or my friends stop calling. But when passers-by beam at my baby and then ask if he is good I find it really hard to continue the conversation.

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Of course I know exactly what they mean. They’re not asking if my baby is morally upright; they want to know if he sleeps at night and doesn’t cry too much.

Perhaps I would be more comfortable with this question if either of my two boys had been good sleepers. However, my eldest Harry refused to sleep anywhere except draped across my body for the first four months and didn’t sleep through until he was close to a year old.

Baby Olly is now 13 months old and has finally started sleeping through at night. However, he still wakes up at 5am every morning, bright-eyed and ready to play. So no, my babies are not good sleepers.

So when people ask if they are good’, what do I say? No? Should I say “actually he’s quite bad”? Should I drop at their feet and yell: “NO! HE’S NOT GOOD! LOOK AT THESE BAGS UNDER MY EYES, DO THEY LOOK LIKE HE’S A GOOD BABY?!”It’s just very obviously the wrong language to use, meaning I always end up shifting uncomfortably and saying: “Well, he’s a normal baby really.”

Because I think that language really matters. It shapes how you feel about things and that can be very important for a new mum who’s balancing a surge of hormones with a lack of sleep and a terrifying sense of responsibility.

For example, with my first baby Harry I was regularly told he was crying for attention or worse, that my tiny baby was trying to manipulate me.

Now I simply don’t agree that a little baby has the wherewithal to be manipulative. They are simple creatures; they want milk, warmth, clean bottoms and the permanent reassuring closeness of their mother. But to hear older friends and relatives talk, you’d think I had just birthed a sociopath bent on bending me to his will (clearly that’s actually the toddler years!).

So the next time you’re tempted to ask someone if their baby is good, I think you should rephrase it. “Are they sleeping?” is fine, as is, “Are they hard work?” Just stop the insidious implication that babies can be bad or naughty or manipulative.

Finally, I have noticed that no one asks if my toddler Harry is good. Perhaps because no one in their right mind could look at my three-year-old careering around the park or filling his pockets with twigs and think that he was an angelic child.

However, I do think that people should be a bit more aware of other children when they’re cooing over a baby in a pram or sling. Harry loves adult attention and he clearly feels hurt when it’s all focused on his baby brother, especially if his brother is asleep and not doing anything of interest.

That’s why, if you make a fuss of Olly, Harry will invariably start bellowing the alphabet or counting as high as he can as loudly as he can. And he’s not being bad, either.

What do you think? Is our blogger being oversensitive or has this issue annoyed you? Have your say using the comments below.