Mum Diary: Can the internet make me a better parent?

Dear internet. Help. Why has my charming, softly-spoken little toddler suddenly started roaring?

It began just in the last few weeks. He’s always done the occasional lion impression but we could easily ask him to stop if we were somewhere quiet like the library or his grandparents’ house.

However, it’s recently really escalated, especially when we’re sitting at the table. Now that Baby Olly is on solids he sits with us for meals, watching us eat and talk as if we’re the most fascinating sight ever – dinner and a show.

But Olly doesn’t enjoy loud noises, meaning that Harry’s increasing bouts of roaring can reduce him to tears, disrupting what should be an enjoyable family meal.

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So I did what any modern parent would, and spent several hours searching my parenting manuals. When they failed to provide the answer, I decided to brave the world of online parenting forums…

At first, the jargon confused me, but I managed to work some of it out. Here’s a quick rundown of what I have actually managed to decipher:

DS: Darling son
DD: Darling daughter
DH: Darling husband
DP: Darling partner
Babydancing: Sex

Babydancing?! I find them all a bit cringe-worthy, but the last one is enough to put me off babydancing for ever.
 
And here are the abbreviations I have yet to work out:

IEP
IYSWIM
NAK
SIOB
YABOS

Look at them! Read the list from top to bottom and it sounds like a Harry Potter spell! But despite my confusion with the jargon, they are really useful forums because they are full of parents asking the same sort of questions as me.

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Sadly, when it came to roaring no one had the answer. Several mums described the same habit in their little boys, but the advice being offered was all stuff we’ve already tried.

Here’s what we’ve done to date:

•    Asked him quietly to stop
•    Talked quietly in the hopes he will stop and listen
•    Asked him why he’s doing it (he doesn’t know)
•    Ignored it
•    Told him off/threatened to confiscate a toy/cancel pudding
•    Practised ‘inside’ and ‘outside’ voices

We make a point of talking to the boys at the table, so it’s not a lack of attention. And when we tell him off for roaring, he immediately begins to quietly roar under his breath, slowly building back up to a crescendo of noise until he is screaming, Olly is wailing and I am ready to bury my face in my mashed potato.

I know it’s healthy toddler development to keep pushing the boundaries, but sometimes I just wish everyone could just eat their fish fingers in peace!

I was particularly alarmed that a lot of the advice covered simply avoiding places where the roaring or shouting might be a problem, such as restaurants and libraries. Does that mean there’s no cure?!

Then I read a really useful reply from a mother of five. She asked the original poster (ahem, that’s the ‘OP’ if you’re as abbreviation-obsessed as the rest of the online parenting community) what their child looks like when he’s screaming or roaring. Does he look happy or sad? Joyful or angry? Does he look frustrated?

And that’s when I realised that my darling son doesn’t look like he’s enjoying himself when he roars. He looks worried and he’s certainly not roaring for fun. I just had to work out what’s upsetting him.

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Then Baby Olly had one of those weird baby days where he slept constantly – a growth spurt do you think? – and he snoozed through every meal. Suddenly, my quiet chatty little toddler was back. Harry sat beautifully, he ate all his food and he happily joined in the conversation. No roaring at all.

So thanks to the internet, we understand the cause of the roaring, if not the solution. Despite never seeming particularly jealous of Olly, Harry does resent the attention he gets at mealtimes.

Clearly he’s treasured his Mummy and Daddy time at the table and now Olly has muscled in on the action. At two-and-a-half, Harry doesn’t have the language or self-awareness to explain why he’s unhappy, so he does the only thing he can think of: roar.

It makes Olly cry, which means one of us takes him into the other room, leaving Harry with the full attention of the remaining parent. Without the help of other mothers and fathers on the internet, I am not sure I would have worked that out.

Like many modern parents, I didn’t have any experience of children until I actually had children. I think that’s why these online forums and blogs are so popular; they provide the advice and support that new parents used to get from their massive extended families, back when everyone had dozens of kids.

So I’d say the internet has made me a better parent. It allows me to read advice from real people experiencing the same difficulties as me, instead of ‘parenting experts’ in glossy books who tell me that if I don’t follow their exact system my kids will become delinquents. It helps me remember that I am not the first parent in the world to find toddlerhood challenging, and it gives me tips, coping strategies and a chance to let off some steam.

As for the roaring, what would you do? I fear that I will have to keep muddling on, using a blend of discipline, praise and humour until we come out the other side. Somehow, that sounds like a metaphor for motherhood.