How to cope with the most annoying habits of your relatives this Christmas

The phrase: ‘Good Will to All Men’ is as traditional a part of Xmas as mince pies and brandy butter, but despite our best intentions to remain calm and keep smiling, the truth is we’re about enter that annual battle zone known as Christmas Day with the family.

The reality of Christmas is that a toxic blend of too much rich food, too much alcohol and too many people enclosed in too small a space can all too often be a recipe for disaster.

Working twice as hard to clear your desk before the holiday break will have eroded your coping mechanisms by upping your stress levels, putting you on the shortest of short fuses, too.

On a good day this will mean breaking down in floods of tears over It’s a Wonderful Life, but it can also mean snapping at elderly relatives or yelling at feral kids who play computer games at the dinner table.

Peace under pressure is all about planning though, so here’s a guide to those particularly tricky types with tips on how to deal with them.

THE PROPHET OF DOOM
This relative feels it is their duty to bring the mood back down to earth when there is a risk of anyone having too much festive fun. They do this with a range of depressing clichés like:

‘Well that’s Christmas over for another year’ (Always said around 4pm on Christmas afternoon)

‘Not many more Christmases for me I suppose at my age’ (Everyone struggles to resist a chorus of: ‘Thank God!’)

Or: ‘I suppose we should make the most of it, there’s not much to look forward to in the New Year with the way the country is at the moment’.

HOW TO COPE
Keep in mind they are either trying to heighten their own experiences of pleasure by focusing on the contrast of gloom, or they are just trapped in their own pit of grumpy misery and hoping to share it with others like a dose of the flu.

Getting into a dialogue is dangerous as it will give them the chance to elaborate, as in: ‘Oh you’ll outlive the rest of us granddad!’ ‘Not according to the doctor I won’t, did I tell you about my angina....?’ etc, so this is when the meaningful hug is called for.

A big hug, side on rather than face to face, plus a little shake of the shoulders as you part should be enough to signal sympathy for their age/financial situation etc but with a gentle reminder to cheer up for the rest of the day.

THE HEALTH FREAK
Of course it’s great to look after your health, but this ghastly relative is out jogging first thing Christmas morning to make up for the fact that the gym is closed for the day and the hot yoga classes don’t resume until the New Year.

She prides herself on the fact that she never put on an ounce after the birth of her kids and will prove her love for the rest of her family by pointing out around the dinner table exactly how many calories in each mince pie, plus what all that goose fat is doing to your poor arteries.

HOW TO COPE
Smugness like this can only hurt if you let it, so never allow yourself to be made to feel either guilty or annoyed. Encourage her, congratulate her and then get stuck into that box of After Eights if you want to.

If she starts to preach, take her quietly to one side and tell her with good humour that even though you admire her resolve the ‘d-word’ (diet) is always banned at your house on Christmas Day.

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THE TEASER
Some relatives seem to feel that getting to the age of fifty or over gives them an automatic exemption pass from the skill known as tact.

They will ask loudly why your nice bloke isn’t around this year, or why you’re not married yet, or when you’re going to have a baby.

They will make rude comments about your age or your size if you’ve put on weight and if you do turn up with a date they will keep loudly referring to your ex as though they were a saint and an angel combined.

HOW TO COPE
If you do take them on they will claim it was ‘just a bit of banter’, leaving them smiling and laughing innocently, while you’re lumbered with the body language signals of a sulker or a weeper.

Storming out and sobbing into the tea-towel is not an option and neither is retaliating in kind as the teaser’s life is usually one long no-go zone of train wrecks and disasters.

Smile widely and pretend you didn’t hear the comment as the TV was too loud. Remember that behaviour that gets a result will usually increase but behaviour that is ignore will often stop with time. Offer them a toffee and ruffle their hair instead.

THE SULKY TEEN
Dressed as a Goth or similar, the sulky teen is like a Harry Potter Dementor, as just by sitting in silence they can suck all the joy out of a room. They only move when a text comes in on their iPhone or to roll their eyes when an adult dares to speak or laugh.

HOW TO COPE
Always remember that the main damage these younger relatives do is to dent your own cool, edgy credentials.

The fact they clearly include you in their list of ‘old people I would rather chew my own elbow off than spend Christmas with’ will diminish your ego in unimaginable ways, but never try to repair it by trying to engage them in some ‘cool young dudes’- style conversation as you will hear yourself sounding like an ageing headmaster.

Ignore them as much as possible but without being sarcastic. Pray they will want to go upstairs and play online as soon as Dr Who is finished. Never make them stay downstairs to ‘join in’, just give thanks when they have gone.

THE CUSTODIAN OF FAMILY SECRETS
This passive-aggressive relative can be as sweet as a nut the rest of the year but two sherries over the top can trigger a terrible desire for vengeance and retribution.

They are a human record office of every slight, insult or conflict in the family, with an archive going back decades, and will happily throw verbal bombs into the room once emotions start to rise.

They rarely start conflict but once it kicks off they are like a heat-seeking missile. They know who has had/is having affairs, who said what behind who’s back and which of the kids was only conceived ‘by accident’.

HOW TO COPE
This relative can cause damage that lasts well beyond their visit because once they have ‘got it all off my chest’ the rest of the room can be in a state of devastation.

Their key triggers are alcohol and/or what they can see as a slight, so keep them topped up with alcohol-free wine and avoid getting them involved in any minor spats.

If they do start mulling over the past make sure you have an emergency diversion-maker like the fact that Michael Bublé concert is just starting on TV or that you should all go out for a brisk walk before it gets dark.

THE PARENT-ZILLAS
Each to their own in terms of child-rearing techniques, but these parents take laissez-faire a step too far, allowing their kids to rip through your home creating a trail of devastation, offering an indulgent smile as their only form of apology.

HOW TO COPE
God forbid you tell these brats off yourself as they will cry and you will look like the Grinch. Keep in mind these parents are off-loading, taking the day off parent duties and allowing someone else to suffer instead.

Lock expensive breakables and pets into one room to help avoid the worst forms of damage and ask the parents if they can bring a favourite but quiet toy or game with them so the kids won’t get bored.

Buy a whistle for emergencies and tell them there will be rewards for good behaviour. Only invite them back when they are sulky teens.

THE DAD WHO JOINS IN
Once a year your dad really does make the effort which is great, except watching him twerking is almost as annoying as listening to his comments while your favourite programmes are on TV.

HOW TO COPE
Remember it is Christmas and he is trying to be fun and you can always put the twerking on YouTube which should make him behave better next year.

Keep the remote in your hand and pause it to answer any questions or record all your favourite shows and get the Monopoly out instead.