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Husband Creates Sex Rejection Spreadsheet: Her 'Excuses' Translated

Oh for the love of marital beds everywhere, let's learn something important from this couple's cautionary tale...

Reddit is a place for all sorts of weird and wonderful things - rabbits eating raspberries, UFO sightings, pseudo-science and great philosophical debates.

This rabbit eating raspberries went viral [YouTube]
This rabbit eating raspberries went viral [YouTube]

Occasionally, though, something particularly ridiculous captures the eye of the Redditor universe.

Over the weekend, a Redditor who uses the alias throwwwwaway29 posted a snap of the spreadsheet her husband had sent her - as she was on her way to the airport for a 10 day business trip - detailing all the excuses she had used over the last seven weeks to turn down his sexual advances.

Now, where do we begin? [Reddit/throwwwwaway29]
Now, where do we begin? [Reddit/throwwwwaway29]

We're not exactly sure what he was hoping to achieve by this, other than to worsen an already frustrating situation.

So, taking inspiration from his childish passive aggression, we've decided to be equally petulant in our response and imagine what her excuses really meant.

Her 'Excuses' Translated

Excuse: "I'm exhausted"

Translation: "I'm really tired of you pulling the same, stale moves every time you try to initiate sex. Dropping your pants, throwing your hands in the air and shouting "TA DAAA" is not as charming as you seem to think it is. I've left that Art of Seduction book on the bathroom counter for WEEKS now and you still haven't got the hint. COME ON MAN!"

Excuse: "I'm still a bit tender from yesterday"

Translation: "Why didn't you grow out of the jackhammer move when you were seventeen like all my other male friends?! Vaginas are complicated, delicate things. Do I have to draw you a blimmin' diagram?!"

It's down here love! [REX]
It's down here love! [REX]

Excuse: "I'm watching my show"

Translation:"Even re-runs are infinitely more interesting than the thought of having sex with you. How about you take your socks off, trim your hair and wash the pepperoni pizza off your hands and then ask me again?"

Excuse: "I'm too drunk, I ate too much"

Translation: "I thought the beer would help me re-imagine you as the Ryan Gosling of my dreams. It didn't."

Excuse: "I'm sweaty and gross"

Translation: "You're sweaty and gross."

Excuse: "I have to be up early."

Translation: "I have to be up early."

Excuse: "No"

Translation: "FOR THE LOVE OF..... NO!"

Not actually knowing anything about this relationship - save that both husband and wife would rather talk to the computer about their problems, than each other - it is hard to place blame in either camp.

As a general rule, though, we're in the "it takes two to tango" camp.

It takes two [REX]
It takes two [REX]

Physical intimacy, many would argue, is integral to a happy marriage, but it cannot be demanded, nor expected.

Rejection is a bitter pill to swallow, of course, and nobody likes to feel unwanted, but we can't help but feel that an honest, empathic conversation, miles before the seven week mark, might have been a better way to deal with it.

A lesson to couples everywhere - the internet is great, but it isn't always the answer. Sometimes you have to look closer to home.

[Grieving Widow Reveals Husband's Last Words While They Were Having Sex: 'You've Still Got Your Socks On']

[Magaluf Girl Sex Video: Slut Shaming Misses The Point Again]

What do you think? How would you have handled this situation? Let us know in the comments!