Cheating: getting over heartbreak with dignity

Kelly Brook's reported response to the Danny Cipriani scandal was to get in touch with six women she suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her with. But was she right to do it? And will it really make her feel better?

We asked social behaviour and confidence expert Judi James how to keep your dignity when you discover your partner's cheated - and how to get over it.

Discovering cheating

The initial discovery can be shocking and Judi explains that you'll need to try and get as much clarity as you can in the aftermath.

"Initially you will be too emotional to be thinking clearly about the core decision, which will be yours alone to make: are you going to forgive and stay with your partner or are you going to boot them out of your life?"

She adds that this emotional thinking makes us us cling to what we want to believe rather than what we know to be the truth.

"The love you feel for the person won't just switch off with this new evidence," she says. "Your brain will start to search for the version of the 'truth' that is the least painful - which your partner will likely be only too happy to provide ('It was just the once', 'I was drunk', 'She/he seduced me' etc.) and it can be easy to blame yourself."

Judi recommends writing down the facts and also your options as it will help you make some objective decisions.

[Katie Hopkins has no faith in the human race when it comes to cheating]
[How to prevent cheating in your relationship]

Keeping your dignity

"You need to come out of this with your own self-esteem as intact as possible. Walking away will be a better long-term option than wallowing in all the mess one minute longer than you have to," Judi recommends.

And, she says, "Never ring, speak to or even contact the other parties.

"It might feel that offloading your anger will help achieve that ghastly word 'closure' but it will just open you up to a load more memories that you should not be carrying in your head.

Your ex was the cheat, they are the one your anger should be directed at. By contacting the others you're diverting blame in a bid to make your ex look better."

Cheating has been in the news this week as controversy-courter Katie Hopkins has turned her attention to the theme saying we're all 'cheaters at heart'. But that's not an excuse Kelly should take from Danny, says Judi.

"To say 'we are all cheaters at heart' denies us the option of choice and makes it sound as though the decision is out of our control," complains Judi.

"Lust might be a very powerful force in our lives but we always have options about our own behaviour and we can therefore decide whether to be faithful or not. Even evolutionary norms give very little in the way of clues about whether we were supposed to be monogamous or not.

"I know some people will adhere to the 'men have been hard-wired to spread their seed to the widest amount of breeding options' theory but even if this prompted the urge the ultimate decision is still just that: a decision.

"Either we want to cheat or we don't. Implying it is driven by some higher and uncontrollable impulse is a cop out. Better to admit it was what I decided to do at this moment in my life. My choice, my responsibility."

[Staying together after cheating - can it work?]
[Kelly Brook shows off her edgier side]

Getting over cheating

"Avoid over-thinking," says Judi. "Understand that you might never have the answer to the question 'why?'. You can ask but your partner probably doesn't really know, so don't keep going there."

She also suggests not being too keen to seek out the exact truth in terms of how many times it happened and where. "Ask yourself how much this knowledge will really help you. And how likely is your partner to give you an honest answer - he or she has lied to your already. They'll be likely to say what you want to hear."

"Avoid emotional self-harming too, which means following his/her profile on Facebook or going back over messages, Tweets and any social media sites to see what your partner was up to before and what they are doing now.

"It's like constantly picking at your own scab to make a wound keep bleeding and hurting. Head towards the heal instead.

"Don't go there, no matter how tempting."