How To Fake Confidence In Your Social Life

Sometimes you just want to be the one owning the room, chatting happily, flirting and attracting the kind of attention that gets you mates and dates.

But instead you’re more likely to be lurking quietly in a gloomy corner, clutching a drink, hoping someone will take pity on you and come and chat.

Putting the 'con' in confidence

Although initial shyness can be attractive in a cute kind of way it gets boring long-term, especially for the person suffering from it.

So often the best thing to do is fake it.

Honesty is that it’s an overrated skill under some social circumstances. Nobody likes a manipulative, arrogant liar but there are times when it helps to put the ‘con’ in confidence.

Relic Fears

It helps to start by understanding our fears. Social shyness is a relic fear; part of our survival response as an animal, and this makes it formidable to deal with. No animal would feel easy walking into a large group of strange animals. If the group started to stare or pay it any form of attention it would probably expect an attack.

This quite natural fear of strangers can tend to take a grip and accelerate with humans though, meaning shyness can make us inhibited in ‘safe’ relationships with friends and partners, too.

You over-think all your actions and your words. You magnify the amount of attention being paid to you, imagining everyone is looking when in fact they probably aren’t.

What we need is a social override, a way of turning off most of the fear responses and replacing them with the right levels of confidence.

But you don’t need to transform into the social alpha: the life and soul of the party who dominates attention in any group. Authenticity should always be part of your confidence ‘act’, meaning what you will be doing is taking your true personality traits and strengths and allowing them to break through the crust of shyness that is preventing them from being seen.

Here’s your 10 step plan to social confidence:

Hit the ground running

It’s a mistake to allow yourself the luxury of warming up as you go along, arriving quietly and anxiously at a social event or date but then getting into your stride once the evening wears on.

People evaluate quickly so you should try and send of the right signals from the start. A shy expression can look like a scowl and your folded arms could suggest you want to be left alone so aim to look welcoming.

Change your state

This means changing your body language to look more confident. This is relatively easy to do and it not only has an interpersonal impact, meaning other people will see you as being friendly and approachable, but it sends strong intrapersonal signals too, making you feel more confident too.

Before you walk into a room or turn up on a date take a moment to breathe out slowly while pulling yourself up to full height. Roll your shoulders back and down and relax your facial expression.

Use an eye connect

When we lack confidence we walk into a room looking shifty and wary. To look confident train yourself to glance round at the people you’re meeting using an eye connect or ‘eye smile’ gesture, with your eye contact bouncing over each person rather than keeping your eyes to the floor.

Imagine you’re greeting friends you already know. If you greet people like enemies they will often start to act like one.

Give good greetings

A good greeting ritual is memorable and shows the intention of friendship. A cold or wary greeting signal indifference or coldness, so plan ahead and learn how to take control of the first few seconds of communication.

If you shake hands make sure your hand is offered palm-open and that your clasp is firm enough to show warmth and rapport. Use eye contact as your hands connect and smile.

 If you hug or air-kiss do it openly and warmly too. If your greeting is warm any further quietness won’t be taken for indifference.

Use touch with your friends

Touch is one of the most powerful forms of communication, doing more to register interest and warmth than any amount of words. If you’re shy and quiet never disconnect from a communication altogether.

Sitting with your arms folded and not speaking will look negative and even judgmental, but mirroring the overall movement of the group you will seem to be participating.

Small hugs with close friends or touching them on the arm when they say something funny etc will help you keep impact and involvement in the social group.

Use active listening signals

Being or looking confident doesn’t mean doing all the talking. People love a good listener and they are always accepted as one of the key communicators in a group. Turn to face the person talking if you’re on to one, or turn your head in the direction of each speaker if you’re part of a group and use eye contact and nodding to show understanding and interest.

Avoid teddy bears!

A teddy bear is a self-comfort item that we use to help make ourselves feel better when we’re placed under social pressure. The current Teddy Bear is the mobile phone, which we tend to use as a social filter, playing with it and reading texts or sending Tweets to protect ourselves from having to make real rapport with people we’re socialising with. If you’re using or playing with your phone you are announcing that you are already in a conversation of sorts with someone else.

Clutching or hugging your handbag to your body will also repel people, as will fiddling with jewellery or your hair.

Wear clothes and carry bags that can be managed easily so you’re not fiddling with them or adjusting them all evening.

If you’re holding a drink hold it at lower rib height, rather than clutching it to your chest or raising it to chin-height in a barrier gesture.

Pit-bare!

When women in particular feel under social pressure we tend to self-diminish, pulling our elbows into our waists and making ourselves look smaller. Men can have a tendency to splay under the same circumstances and the two are rarely compatible.

There’s no need to over-splay which will look arrogant, but look and feel more confident by keeping your elbows held a couple of inches out from your body. If you’re sitting down place your elbows onto the arms of your chair. This creates a small gap under the armpits that would be an animal sign of confidence.

Imagine that they are more anxious than you

When we lack confidence we tend to exist in an anxiety bubble of our own fears and concerns. But very few people are totally confident at parties or on dates, it’s just that some mask those fears more than others. The most extrovert person can be the one with the lowest self-esteem.

Work on the assumption that other people need your help to be socially confident as much if not more than you do.

Plan a few lines of small-talk

Being monosyllabic is horrendous and usually one of the worst symptoms of shyness. Scripting yourself might sound fake but it’s far better than dabbling with spontaneity. Think about your answer when someone asks what you do for a living. Replies like: ‘I work for a charity’ or ‘I’m in IT’ or ‘I work in retail’ might be accurate but they end a conversation rather than start it.

Plan to tell people what you actually do instead, as it keeps the conversation going. ‘I’m in IT, which means I spend most of my day acting like a nanny to all the people who are stressing over small glitches in their PCs’ is a conversation-extender rather than ender!

[Caffeine Pants Are NOT A Weightloss Aid - Just In Case You Were Confused About That]

[How To Catch A Liar Out]