How To Baby-Proof Your Relationship

According to a recent study by Open University, couples without children have happier relationships. It’s not exactly surprising when you consider the passion-killing combination of dirty nappies, extreme sleep deprivation and the round-the-clock demands of a newborn baby.

But with a little effort, plenty of communication and a generous dose of empathy and patience, this special time could be the catalyst for an even more enriching relationship.

Tackle sleep deprivation head-on
Looking after a newborn baby while functioning on zero sleep can be enough to send you both to the brink of insanity so communication skills can be compromised to say the least.

Christine Northam, a relationship counsellor from Relate, stresses the importance of communication: ‘The first step is to acknowledge to each other how ghastly you’re feeling. The ability to be honest and open about what’s going on is essential,’ she explains.

Once you’ve acknowledged your feelings, you’re a step closer to finding a practical solution. ‘One of the most effective things you can do is find a way of allowing each other to catch up on some sleep,’ adds Christine. ‘Take it in turns or reach out for support from friends or family.’

Christine also warns of the dangers of self-blame. ‘Remember that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. So don’t feel guilty if you can’t cope – or see this as a sign that you’re not a very good parent,’ she warns. ‘Be kind to yourselves as well as each other.’

Respect each other’s challenges
Before you have a baby it’s hard to comprehend how looking after a newborn can be so time consuming. But once your new arrival is on the scene you’ll soon see exactly how relentless their demands can be.
What’s more you can’t just draw up a rota and pin it to the fridge; babies are unpredictable and their demands change on a moment-to-moment basis.

So how do you fit all these additional tasks into your already hectic schedules without constant bickering over whose turn it is to do what?

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‘You just need to be a bit grown up about it,’ says Christine. When you find yourself in the middle of a battle of wills, she recommends this basic communication exercise: ‘Take it in turns to talk for five minutes about how you’re thinking and feeling. That way you get some space to say what’s really going on with you. This can bring you much closer together.’

It’s also important to acknowledge the validity of your partner’s unique challenges. Juggling a high-pressured job with the role of a new parent is different to looking after a baby 24/7, seven days a week but both are equally challenging.

Make time for one other
There’s a common perception among new parents that spending time together away from your baby is selfish and neglectful. But however counterintuitive it might feel at first, spending time alone together is as beneficial for your baby as it is for you.

‘The best gift you can give your baby is a good relationship because that ensures they have stability,’ explains Christine. ‘By nurturing your relationship you are doing the best for your family so there is no need to feel guilty.’

And giving your relationship priority doesn’t mean leaving your new baby for extended periods of time. ‘Try and arrange to have a walk out on your own, whether it means asking a neighbour, friend or someone in the family to watch the baby or paying a trusted babysitter,’ suggests Christine. ‘Not for hours on end but just to remind yourselves who you are and why you got together to have this lovely baby.’

Be upfront about intimacy
Whether you’re recovering from the physical effects of the birth, your pregnancy hormones have sapped your libido or you’re both too exhausted, sex is usually the last thing on the agenda for new parents – especially if you are practicing attachment parenting and co-sleeping with the baby.

But don’t allow sex to become the ‘elephant in the room’ and remember there is a difference between intimacy and sex.

If your partner has made an attempt to be physical and you’re not ready, it’s important to explain the reasons why. And actions speak louder than words, so be generous with kisses and cuddles that will prove your reticence is not a rejection.

If you do want to be more intimate but feel as though you’ve forgotten how, Christine suggests a gradual approach. ‘Spending time together will help to get the intimacy back on track,’ she explains. ‘Carve out some time together every evening – however chaotic it might be and however much you think you should be emptying the dishwasher. Even if it’s just to sit down and have a cup of coffee together after your evening meal.’

Learn to compromise
Parenting is fraught with difficult choices. From dummies to breastfeeding, co-sleeping to controlled crying, each new day demands a new set of decisions.

Talking about your views on parenting prior to the birth can be useful. But be warned, there is usually a chasm between the parent you think you’re going to be and the parent you become.

For instance, you might both agree that you don’t want your baby to have a dummy. But if you are faced with a colicky baby that cries for five hours every night, a dummy could be the thing that will save your sanity.

For that reason, don’t agree on ‘the rules’ – agree to be flexible and to compromise. Flexibility and empathy are the cornerstones of your relationship happiness.