Help! My Boyfriend Is Emotionally Closed Off - Tips To Get Him To Open Up

You've been seeing him for a while and on the whole things seem good...but why is he so closed-off emotionally?

Many relationships finish not because he's boring, or because he's unreliable or downright mean, but because you haven't a clue what's going on with his feelings.

Some research suggests women find deeper emotional communication easier. But there are plenty of men who are good at it.

If your guy comes up short in the emotional intelligence department, there are usually a few key reasons why.

Here are some to consider, followed by tips to get him to open up:

This is what he knows

He could be a great guy, but being closed off emotionally probably runs in his family. His parents, or at least his father, believed in keeping things locked down. Don’t underestimate the power of such a role model – this is how your man sees the world.

A top indicator – if you meet his family you can usually see the resemblance in the way they relate to others. He might even say things like my parents never discussed personal things with us.

The Heartbreak Hotel

Again, he could be a lovely man, but it’s possible he’s had his heart so badly broken he swore it'd never happen again. Now he keeps his cards close to his chest, he doesn’t want to reveal his inner feelings. This way he feels secure - even if it leaves you feeling potentially insecure.

A top indicator – you can tell he’s quite sensitive, he’s a good guy, yet he won't talk about things. You might get wind he had some sort of painful break up or he was cheated on. But he may not want to go into it.

He has Asperger’s Syndrome

Although each person with Asperger’s is affected uniquely, on the whole Asperger’s affects how he makes sense of the world and relates to others. Sometimes this takes the form of not being able to read your emotions easily or to express his easily. It can remain undiagnosed because the person with it manages well with the demands of work and everyday life. Asperger’s syndrome is on the autistic spectrum. For more info check autism.org.uk.

A top indicator – he might be a great boyfriend, apart from the fact it sometimes feels there’s a bit of a barrier when you try to communicate with him. You might find he doesn’t quite ‘get it’ when you’re trying to describe emotional things. Honesty and clear communication can see you through.

Power and control 

Watch out for this guy – he might emotionally withhold due to having a manipulative streak.  Beware as some men use a lack of emotional communication to try and control you. They know it drives you nuts and the more you push him to open up, the more he shuts down.

A top indicator – he doesn’t communicate his emotions but he seems overly-critical of you and others like your friends. Or seems to have an angry or moody streak but won't talk about it. Also you might notice he can turn on the charm when he wants to.

Key tips for getting your boyfriend to open up emotionally -

• Get super practical and begin by taking the words ‘feel’ and ‘feelings’ out of conversations with him. Always use ‘think’ and ‘thinking’ instead when trying to go deeper. Far less threatening when you ask things like ‘what do you think about X, Y or Z’ instead of ‘feel about X, Y orZ.’

• Keep it straight forward - if you can say something in a brief, to the point way, do it. It’s quite easy to stir up uncomfortable feelings in an emotionally closed-off man when you yourself get tied up in knots trying to express yourself.

• For extra clarity use ‘I statements’ - this is where you claim responsibility for what you’re saying. For instance, it’s better if you’re discussing the ups and downs of your relationship to say 'I think we communicate better when we’re relaxed at the weekend.' This is a clear message coming from you.

• Give encouragement in small ways. When he opens up even a little, be warm and positive about it. You encourage more emotional honesty from him when he gets a good response.

• Stability gives confidence to a man who doesn’t like what he sees as the tricky waters of getting ‘emosh.' And it’s good for you to learn the skills of staying calm and confident during communication.

• Don't tease him, for example saying he's ‘useless at having proper chats’ or anything of the like. This will put him right off trying to open up. It’s tempting because you’re feeling frustrated, but it’s a no-no.

• Beware that your differences over showing your emotions can become a non-verbal battleground with tit-for-tats between you. Or it can be open warfare with lots of rows about his refusal to open up. These won’t help, so knock them on the head when they happen.

• Definitely set boundaries for the man who seems to lack of emotional openness in order to control you. If it feels wrong, let him know you won't tolerate tricky behaviour. Don't make it an empty threat. Seriously consider moving on if he uses moods and tying you up in knots, to keep you at arms-length emotionally.

A lot of great guys just need encouragement, in order to know that the world won’t fall apart if they start showing their emotions more.

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Dr Pam Spurr is a sex, relationships and self-help expert and the author of The Emotional Eater’s Diet. Visit her website www.drpam.co.uk. Tweet her @DrPamSpurr.