All hail the kale: why you should eat nothing else, ever, for the rest of your lives

Kale is hot right now.

Forget who’s on Splash!, dry January, flirty pants Kylie on The Voice – Kale has captured the nation’s imagination.

- Waitrose kale sales have risen by 81 per cent.

- M&S are launching their own range of kale chips.

- We challenge you to find a bag of Pret a Manger’s £1.50 bags of kale chips (essentially shriveled up kale) after 2pm.

This probably leads you to the question: when did kale become such a thing?

What exactly is it that has everyone raving and why exactly was an actual kale party held in North London last week? Isn’t it just weird cabbage?

And this is where we will have to stop you and ask you to pay some respect to this formerly underrated vegetable.

No one puts kale in the corner, not anymore.

Kale is so much more than weird cabbage – it’s a way of life, a secret religion.

It’s chic: very ‘my mum had Whole Foods home-delivered direct to the womb’ and Heston has it in his restaurants.

Gwyneth Paltrow is also somewhat of a kale enthusiast, but don’t let that put you off. Rumour has it her son Moses was almost called Sha'kale,

It’s versatile: kale and red-chilli, kale and orange soup, curly kale and kabocha pumpkin miso. Holy kale, you can do just about anything! Boiled, fried, steamed or in a juice, kale is always welcome.

And importantly poor people don’t know what it is, meaning you can feel excellently superior – an important factor in any food trend worth knowing about.

It’s cheap, it’s fresh, and you can even make it taste like it’s not even good for you (kale chips, anyone?) and it contains an absurd amount of vitamins.

Gram for gram, kale contains 17 times more Vitamin C than stupid, loser carrots. Kale is also high in fibre, packed with antioxidants, and OBVIOUSLY a superfood.

Is it any wonder the hipsters (and now you) are sold?

But there are unspoken risks when it comes to kale - the part of kale that the hipsters and Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall never talk about.

Beware of the effects of a kale binge - take a break after three days of intense kale-ing or risk a long ol’ time on the porcelain throne.

It’s all kale party fun until someone cr*ps themselves at the dinner table.

Just ask Chris Martin… or so we’ve heard.

However, use kale responsibly and expect a life-long new friend who will never let you down, a great companion for any occasion*.

*until one too many people convert to the church of kale and we all have to move on to broccoli.

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