Getting Sexy Back: How Long-Term Couples Can Spice Up Their Sex Life

We might be obsessed with sex, but modern busy lives and long-term relationships seem to be its natural enemy. But with modern life showing no signs of slowing down, and long-term relationships remaining the goal of so many of us, is it time to make sex work for the long haul?

We caught up with Ann Summers sexpert Dr Pam Spurr and sex blogger Zoe Margolis at the UK launch of Sex Tape on DVD and Bluray to find out how even the busiest couples can regain their spark.

Why Does Sex Take A Back Seat - And Does It Matter?

Chatting through the problem, around which the film centres, the pair explain some of the reasons the spark can go out after a few years together.

"There's the 18 month hormone phase where you're super sexually attracted to each other - and your body is primed to want sex - but after that time it gives way to the attachment phase.

"This is the less hormonally-driven, though still very loving time where you get to know each other better, your lives entwine, you meet the families and that sort of thing," Dr Spurr explains.

Once you're not so driven by hormone surges, you have to work a bit harder at sex to avoid it falling off the menu entirely.

And it's really important that it doesn't.

"Lack of physical affection can really break a relationship. It breeds insecurity and your partner can start wondering if you still fancy him or her. Then it becomes hard to communication, which can lead to relationship breakdowns or cheating," they explain.

"We only have so much brain space," Zoe adds. "So we can end up taking our partner for granted and thinking they'll always be there so we don't need to put any effort in. And complacency can be a very dangerous force. It's a total desire killer."

Even if you think you don't want sex, you're too busy for sex, it's an integral part of human relationships (for most) and leaving it out can have serious consequences on your relationship. So both of the experts recommend regularly scheduling time for sex, or at the very least sexual contact and intimacy.

How To Bring The Sex Back

Scheduling sex: Doesn't sound very sexy does it? But as it's a case of 'use it or lose it', sometimes you've just got to accept that to fit it into busy lives, it has to be diarised.

"You can even diarise spontaneity to some degree," say our sexperts. "Book in some time together and you know what you're going to do but your partner doesn't, so it adds an element of surprise.

"And try not to forget actual spontaneity too."

"One way to do this is take a trip down memory lane - remember those feelings from when you first met. Go to places you used to love. Or you can even just send a thoughtful email, or do something nice for your partner for no reason. A little romance can go a long way."

Once you've brought sex back into the room, it's time to start focusing more on what you both want.

Sexual Mindfulness

You might have heard of mindfulness, it's a concept that's been doing the rounds for the last year or two and it's been lauded as the cure for everything from depression to chronic pain. But in a sex context it means being there in the present, enjoying the physical experience without a soundtrack of your worries, or your to-do list going off in your head.

Zoe says: "If you're feeling self conscious, put the spotlight on your partner. Don't think of it as a race to an orgasm for one or both of you, enjoy the journey, wherever it leads."

Exploring Fantasies

With (whisper it) Fifty Shades the movie on the horizon, there's been a lot of talk of fantasies and of BDSM (even if BDSMers are hugely critical of the relationship portrayed in the story). But if you and your partner have never discussed fantasies, it can be hard to know where to start - especially if the tropes brought up by Fifty Shades aren't ones that tweak your libido.

Dr Spurr suggests working out what your fantasies are on your own: "Try thinking about someone you really fancy - it doesn't have to be your partner, it can be a celebrity or just someone you really like. And then imagine what you'd like them to do to you.

"If you're still stumped you might need external inspiration. Films with adult scenes can help, not necessarily porn or even erotica, to give you ideas."

But, she adds, whatever you do, when you bring it up with your partner make sure they're centre stage.

"Start gently, particularly if you've never mined this territory before. You could send a flirty text, something quite innocent like 'I'm buying underwear, which shall I get?' and then work up."

Zoe also suggests looking for inspiration.

"Books can be a really good place to start - both novels and sex manuals. You can draw inspiration from them, or even read them together. You can open a book on sex games and tricks and open it at a random page - then just talk about whether you want to do it and what the idea does for both of you."

"Porn too can be good but it's hard because most is so geared towards male sexuality that it can be hard to actually work out 'what do I like'. Maybe five per cent of porn is good, ethically made and tailored to both partners."

And the perfect environment for discussing sexual fantasies? "The best time is post-coital, because there's no expectation, no pressure - 'cos it's over so you're not suggesting something that has to be done now. It's just putting ideas out there and thoughts in the head.

"Oh and maybe after a glass of wine or two."

Sex Tape is out now on Blu-ray and DVD from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

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