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No jokes, no online stalking, no boasting: How to guarantee that second date

Judi James gives her top tips on what not to do on a first date to make sure they come back for more

It’s an all-too-common dating dilemma: you’re not suffering from a dating drought exactly; in fact you find it quite easy to pull a potential partner. It’s the second date that’s the problem, mainly because you’re just not getting any! In the selling game they’d call it a low conversion rate, so how can you up yours and ensure that first date is the start rather than the end of a beautiful romance?


DITCH THE ‘I’ WORD
One of the biggest ways to bore your date is to talk about yourself all night. Ok, so a date is all about finding out more about one another but the disclosures shouldn’t take the form of a monologue.

DON’T INTERROGATE
It’s fine to sound interested in your date’s career and lifestyle but throwing out a barrage of probing questions can make them feel they’re being interviewed or assessed, especially if all your queries are about job prospects and income.

AVOID SOUNDING LIKE YOUR OWN PR
Making statements about yourself like ‘I’m a loyal person’, ‘I’m high maintenance, I never settle for second best’ or ‘I never tell lies’, ‘You’ll never have a dull moment when I’m around’ or even ‘I’m like Marmite, you either love me or hate me’. When it comes to your best qualities it’s better to show than to tell.

AVOID THE SOB STORIES
Avoid unburdening with your ‘tragic back story’ too early, especially if it’s all about your love-rat ex and how badly they treated you. You might feel it shows your vulnerable side with a view to stimulating sympathy and a desire to protect in your date but he/she is more likely to be looking for a swift end to the evening, especially if you start to cry. Nobody wants to spend an evening listening to an ex’s name, even if it is used in a derogatory context.


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BE FUNNY BUT DON’T TELL JOKES
You’re probably not as hilarious as you think, meaning they will only be laughing to be polite.

EDIT YOUR VERBAL FILLERS
These are words of phrases we all use to fill speech gaps or add emphasis, like: ‘You know?’ ‘Right?’ (at the end of every statement), ‘Like’ (as in ‘I like went to go shopping’ or ‘...and so I’m like why did you do that? And then he’s like so what if I did?’) Ok in small doses but they tend to increase when we get nervous and can become irritating.

DON’T BE TOO ODD TOO SOON
Of course ‘being myself’ is a great mantra for dating as nobody likes a phoney but before you show off your quirky side try to remember that this person is unable to put it into context. First dates suffer from the Attribution effect, meaning traits you display might be seen as more dominant in defining you than they would to someone who knows you well. Save lines like: ‘I have ten cats’ or ‘I drink my own urine’ until they get to know the real you better.


DON’T BOAST
Confidence is attractive but arrogance is a turn-off. You might be telling them all about your achievements in a bid to impress them but it risks sounding immature, self-obsessed and dull.

KEEP IT PRESENT TENSE
You’re only on a first date so even though you like them and things seem to be going well avoid talk of forward planning like ‘We could go to see that’ or ‘We could take a trip there in the spring’ etc. Mildly suffocating at best, downright creepy at worst, especially if you start planning meetings with your parents.

HAVE OPINIONS BUT DON’T BE OPINIONATED
They mention a film they enjoyed and you didn’t like it. ‘It wasn’t my kind of film’ is fine but ‘It was rubbish’ is insulting to your date.

DON’T MENTION THE RESEARCH
Okay, so maybe you did check your date out on Facebook and Twitter first just to get a bit of background info before you met them but watch their face drop when you mention an event, friend or pet of theirs that they haven’t told you about yet. Snooping is not the most attractive quality in a new date.



TURN OFF PHONES AND TABLETS
No texting or reading texts from anyone else and no sharing photos with your date. Ok so the one of your dog might be cute but next minute you’ll be going through your holiday snaps or sharing footage of the Coldplay concert you went to and they will be in a boredom coma.

HELP OIL THE WHEELS OF THE CONVERSATION
Ask open questions rather than closed ones, as in ‘How was your Xmas break?’ rather than ‘Did you have a good Xmas?’ Use active listening signals when they talk (nodding, eye contact and smiling at the right bits) and prompt them to tell you more by using verbal repetitions, as in... Your Date: Yes I went to Norway for Xmas You: Norway?

DON’T USE VERBAL COMPETITIONS
As in... Your Date: I went to Norway for Xmas You: Norway? Oh I’ve been there loads of times.

DON’T TELL THEM YOUR JOB TITLE, TELL THEM WHAT YOU DO
Why? Because it’s an easier lead-in for a conversation. ‘I’m a retail sales analyst’ will kill a conversation stone dead but ‘Which means I spend most of my day visiting branches checking out which customers are buying what.’ Should prompt a discussion.

WATCH VERBAL RED RAGS
These are words we might use innocently but which can wind your date up. ‘Oh really?’ ‘Well, obviously’ ‘What makes you ask that?’ or ‘Who told you that?’ can sound like put-downs and the phrase ‘Oh that sounds really interesting’ will usually imply you’re bored. ‘Tell me what you’re thinking’ sounds pushy and possessive.