Weddings: The Questions You Should REALLY Ask Before You Get Married

Browsing through the wedding boards of Pinterest (as an engaged person is wont to do) I came across many links out to sites suggesting the '100 Questions You Should Ask Before You Get Married'.

'That sounds like a good idea,' I thought, even though I've been with my fiance Adam for 10 years and have already agreed to marry him (and even sent out the save-the-dates) so  uncovering anything at this point would be rather unfortunate.

But I thought it would actually be fun so we sat down to a quick fire Q&A session. Instead of fun it was really quite boring and after the first few questions we decided rewatching The Wire and drinking wine was better for our relationship.

There are just so many questions.

And many of them are so obvious that going through them one at a time is just a waste of effort. Especially the ones that are so basic you'd assume the couple considering marriage barely know each other at all.

And, well, we've got this far haven't we?

But I really liked the idea of a few heart-to-hearts about life and our values, what our marriage would mean to each of us and what we wanted from it. And it niggled me that we couldn't complete a simple questionnaire about the big issues without getting bored.

So I decided we should find a better set of questions to base our future life on.

As we watch one couple whose wedding we recently attended plan their divorce and another cancel their wedding with just months to go, it seems like a good idea just to make doubly sure.

So I spoke to Durex Sex and Relationship Expert Susan Quilliam to work out some modern questions for normal couples who already know their partner's feelings on pets.

Susan suggests 10 topics to talk about (more managable than the 100 questions). They are: Communication, money, background, family, sexual values, children, past relationships, problems, fears and proofs of love.

And she gave me some tips for how to have the conversations:

1. Make the framework positive. See these questions as guarantees of a happy future, not as troubleshooting, and make sure that's how your other half looks at it too.
 
2. Spread the conversations out. Talking about every area in a single session may take too much time and energy. Three or four evenings (or a short weekend) should do it - an investment for the rest of your lives.
 
3. Try not to pick and choose but talk about every topic. If you do pick and choose, be sure to talk about number 10 "Proofs of Love" as that is the most crucial issue.
 
4. Go from easy to difficult. Rate the topics in the order you feel might be harder for you to discuss, then start with the easier ones.
 
5. You don't have to stuggle through every single question. Within each topic, you don't have to ask every subquestion. Except for the topic on number 3 "Background", the first question in each list of questions is usually the most important; use the others to lead the conversation on.
 
6. Make the talking equal. As you tackle each topic, take it in turns for one to talk and the other to simply listen, and only then have a back-and-forth conversation.
 
7. Make the  conversations positive. If either of you hears something unwelcome don't jump on it immediately - allow yourselves to take it in, think about it and come back to it later when you have space and time to discuss more deeply.
 
8. Don't panic. If you do find an area of disagreement, discomfort or problem, don't panic; there is huge help available to iron out any issues before you wed.
 
9. Stress the love. This whole exercise is a sign of love, so remind yourselves that this is why you are doing it. Tell each other regularly through each conversation that you care.
 
10. Turn these conversations into a habit. You will both change over the years and updating each other on your views regularly - once a year is good - will help you avoid many of the problems couples meet.

Are you ready? HERE ARE THE QUESTIONS!

COMMUNICATION
If the communication works, then most things in a marriage work.
Key Question: What motivates you most when it comes to our conversations?
What's the best way for us to talk to each other so that you feel good about talking?
What do you feel you can't talk to me about? What makes you not want to talk to me?

MONEY
The way you handle money isn't just about hard cash, but about value - and if your ways of dealing with financial issues differ, that can make you feel devalued.
Key Question: Are you a spender or a saver?
How do you feel about getting into debt?
If I asked you to give me all your money, how would you react?

BACKGROUND
The following are hard questions, but it's a good idea to ask them anyway and get them out of the way. These are not accusations, but 'air clearing'.
Key Question: Have you ever been involved in any criminal, violent or abusive activities?
Have you ever experienced violence or abuse? 
If so, for each, how did you recover and move on?

FAMILY
The way we see our families - and the influence our family has on us - deeply affects the way we want our marriage to be.
Key Question: What was your parents' marriage like and how do you imagine this will affect our marriage?
If what I wanted clashed with what your family wanted, how would you handle that?

SEX
Of course you fancy each other and are passionate about making love.  But what are your deeper sexual values, and do they fit?
Key Question: What, sexually, could you not bear to do yourself or for me to do?
How would you react if I couldn't, or didn't want to, have sex with you any more?
What constitutes 'infidelity' for you - what behaviour would you rate as your being unfaithful… and my being unfaithful?

CHILDREN
One of the most neglected questions couples fail to ask is the 'children' question - because we assume that everyone wants to start a family.
Key Question: Do you want children and what could happen in our lives that would make you change your mind?
If we have children, whose is the main responsibility?
Whose job is it to do the daily work?

PAST RELATIONSHIPS
We are all formed by our past relationships - and these need to be laid to rest before you can  move on.  
Key Question: How do you feel now about your past relationships?
Which past romantic relationships have made you who you are?
Are there any past romantic partners who you feel might distract you if you met them again - even though you are fully committed to me?
Are you at all worried about my contact with past partners?

PROBLEMS
Every marriage hits tough spots - but research suggests that it's tackling these difficulties which determines whether a marriage succeeds or not.
Key Question: When we disagree, what's the best way to handle that?
Is arguing a good or bad thing?
Who would you turn to for help if our relationship hit problems?
What's the point at which one should leave a  marriage?

FEARS
Few people get married without fears. Even if it is a marriage made in heaven, past experiences - or the experiences of others - may mean you're wary. The best way to resolve these is to put them on the table.
Key Question: Is there anything about marriage in general - or marriage to me - that worries you?
Is there anything that you feel you might miss out on once we marry?
Does anyone close to you feel we shouldn't  marry - and how can we get past that?

PROOFS OF LOVE
Each of you has learned, in your life, to think about love in different ways; each will have their own idea of what one should do to show  love -  from being tidy through to buying flowers through to being faithful. Understanding these is possibly the most crucial element in marriage.
Key Question: What are the most important three ways you need me to show that I love you?
What one thing could I do that might make you think I didn't love you?

So that's 30. Much more do-able. And when you're done, you'll be like:

I'll let you know how we get on. Got any to add? Let me know below.

Read more from Don't Tell The Groom, Yahoo's wedding blog.
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