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Hen don’t: Hen dos are out of control and I’m out

Yahoo’s reluctant bride-to-be has made it clear she doesn’t want a hen do, but it’s not gone down well

I’m not a big fan of the hen do. I’d rather not have one. So I announced this early on to my good friends expecting some sighs of relief.  To my surprise, they were not impressed.

Why does everyone want me to have a hen do? Why does anyone want anyone to have a hen do?

The average spend on a hen party in 2012 was £175, and from anecdotal experience I can tell you, that figure has gone up. Forget the recession, hen dos are big business. Gone are the days of a nice meal with a few close friends at your local. Instead, say hello to the American-style ‘Bachelorette’ atrocities involving plastic willies and sashes.

I just want to say no.

It’s not that I don’t enjoy them – I’ve had great fun on many hen dos (except one*). But I’m not big into all the traditions that surround weddings anyway, so I’m happy to forsake my ‘last night of freedom’ and save all my mates a load of cash. If they like, they can spend this on a nice pressie for us for the wedding. Wink wink.

 (*Actually I had a great time, but accidentally getting us kicked out of the bar after a disagreement with the bouncer was not my finest hour)

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OK some hen dos are really fun and they can be a nice way for different groups to get to know each other before the wedding – but frankly all in all, I just don’t see the point. I don’t want to enforce bonding between various friendship groups. That’s what the table plan and free booze on the day itself are for.

I don’t begrudge any of the money I’ve spent on hen dos. If I can’t afford it, I’ve said no. And I’m not judging anyone who really does want to have massive do to celebrate their getting married. That’s fine if it’s what you’re into. But it’s not me.

My mum was lucky enough to marry my dad long before the modern hen do trend started. She went for a nice meal with a couple of friends the night before their wedding. Isn’t that enough?

Response from my friends has basically been: ‘You are having one, you don’t get a say in this’.

But it just seems a bit pointless. We’re already asking our friends to make the effort to head to the motherland (Surrey) for a (potentially Friday) wedding and spend all that money on hotels and transport and clothes and presents. And we’ll be having a right old knees up at the actual wedding. So I don’t need to drag everyone on a separate night out, with a separate budget, to celebrate the exact same thing.

Just one nice wedding will do me, thanks.

Blog up dolls and the dreaded shash

I also fear a horrible hen do. I’ve seen them out, crowds of women, wearing sashes, looking a bit dangerous, waving willies in the air. No matter how many classy hen dos I’ve been too, I just can’t shake the image of myself, inebriated, probably in tears, waving a plastic willy in the air, waggling my wonky bride-to-be antennae. It’s not a happy thought.

My Best Woman has told me to stop being silly and that she’ll sort me out a good one. And I totally trust her to do that. But, what if, as seems to happen, the power goes to her head and she decides that her duty as my right hand woman is to organise the Best Hen Do Ever? Before I know it me and my closest 20 friends will be winging our way over to the Continent, cameras firmly in hand.

If I must

I am reluctantly coming round to the idea that I will have to do SOMETHING. So for anyone planning a hen do, here are the basic ground rules I intend to stick to:

1. Only invite your actual friends. Don’t go mental and invite every member of every group you hang out with.

2. Do organise some games as ice-breakers. One of the reasons to have a hen do is to help people who might not know anyone but you make friends before the big day, when they’ll be stuck on a table with a bunch of strangers

3. Put some feelers out about budget before you announce how much guests must pay. And don’t make it cost a fortune. We all know how expensive life is

4. Keep it as local as possible. If you want to go on a mates’ holiday, organise it with a few close friends as something separate. Do not force a bunch of strangers to get to know each other waiting for a delayed flight

5. Keep props to a minimum. If at all. I do not want a sash.

Am I being a killjoy? Did you do the hen do?