Ridiculous beauty treatments all brides ‘need’

I’m not gonna lie, I’d like to look pretty good on my wedding day. Shock! Like any special occasion I will have my hair done, wear some slap and pick out a nice dress. I might even wear some heels.

But the more I read, the more I realise basic beauty routines (a bit of moisturiser and some damage-limitation concealer) just don’t cut it when it comes to wedding days.

Instead, it is our one chance to come over all celeb and go for the proper red carpet treatment, with all its accompanied treatments, tricks and cost.

But surely all this fuss isn’t necessary. Is it?

So far I gather I will need the following beauty treatments to make myself marriage material by my wedding day:

Teeth whitening, lash extensions, manicures (WEEKLY?), pedicure/s, fake tan (plus a trial fake tan), hair conditioning treatments plus cut, colour, styling (including a colour refresh two weeks prior and pre-wedding trial styling), a series of facials, at-home lip conditioning, the obligatory weight loss/detox, feet treatments (no hard skin allowed), professional eyebrow shaping, body exfoliation/seaweed wrap, practice-run make-up, professional make-up (or at least a brand new bag full of products), special wedding perfume and maybe, if I’m really keen, laser hair removal.

By the sounds of things just making me look presentable is going to cost more than the wedding. The thought makes my eyes water. How did I ever manage to bag a man like this?

It might only be one day but these photos will last forever and as someone who rarely gets dolled up it would be nice to look pretty fab for them.

Part of me scoffs at the faff that all of this involves. Do I really need a fake tan? Are my teeth really not white enough? And surely I can paint my own nails? But on the other hand, is this my one chance to get all these treatments done for a good reason? There may never be another. If there’s anything fixable that I’m not happy with, now would be a good time to get it sorted. (Think non invasive here, I’m not going down the apparently-growing and horrifying route of pre-wedding plastic surgery.)

With the looming goal of my wedding day, any diets or detoxes I go on may actually be successful, and I’ve always wanted (and never achieved) perfect skin, so is now my chance? Should I start booking in these monthly facials I’m told I require?

The real essentials

I suppose it’s a case of picking and choosing. If I can do anything about things I’m self-conscious about or that will potentially look terrible in the photos, and I can afford it, I’ll probably do it.

But essential? No. None of this is. I’d say the actual essentials are just to eat healthily and exercise, get a decent haircut and possibly get it coloured. And as I had my hair professionally done for my sixth form ball, it would be ridiculously stingy to try and do it myself on my wedding day (with the shaky hands the nerves I’m sure will bring) so I’ll probably do that too.

Yes, all eyes will be on my hands (for about five minutes) but I don’t think they’ll be judging the quality of my manicure. I’ll just try not to bite them too much beforehand. And make-up, I’ve got a year to practise and I’m not up for giving someone the best part of £200 to paint my face.

I think the rest could be filed under 'nice to have'. And let’s remember I do still want to look like me and not some reject from TOWIE with over-white teeth and an orange glow. So what if I look a bit pale? It will be April, we won’t have seen the sun.

But.. maybe I will treat myself to a pedicure. Hell, I might go down this beauty road hell bent on looking perfect... There’s so much pressure to be stunning I'm already researching facial treatments. What if I fail?

And how will my fiance keep up? That's the big question.