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Why don’t some men like to cuddle?

Dear Lady and The Scamp,

I have been sleeping with this gorgeous guy for a short while and we have the most amazing sex. However, I would like more affection from him (i.e cuddles and kisses) outside the bedroom. I understand this is purely a relationship based on sex and lust. But it doesn't hurt to give someone a cuddle, right?

Sally Jane

Kevin says:

I doesn't hurt to give someone a cuddle but it seems a bit pointless unless they're a close relative or furry. Some people (i.e. girls) like to cuddle for cuddling's sake whereas men only cuddle when it means something.

In this way, male and female attitudes to sex and cuddling are the exact opposite. So, while women prefer sex to be meaningful, many dudes are more willing to insert their penis into a woman than give her an affectionate embrace.

This is partly because men's brains are so advanced that they are able to have sex with girls without forming any emotional attachment — but this power doesn't necessarily extend to cuddling.

[Relevant: How to move your relationship to the next level]

The exception is cats. Men will often cuddle a cat within minutes of meeting it, with a tenderness they would never bestow on a casual lover. The same goes for rabbits, clean dogs and certain inanimate objects such as flat screen HD TVs.

But if it's a woman you're having no-strings sex with, cuddling can be dangerous and give a false impression that you want something more serious.

It doesn't mean men don't like cuddling - they do - but only when they are especially fond of someone. Naturally, this rule doesn't apply to sex due to the game-changing factor of genital stimulation. Simples, as Chris Eubank would say.

If the cuddling means that much to you, try being more tactile in public and see how he responds. Or don't shag him until he agrees to hug you. But wouldn't it be worse if he cuddled you while secretly disliking it? Maybe you should just be thankful for the amazing sex this bloke is providing and not complicate it with soppiness. Or see if you can replicate the amazing sex with something furry.

Christine says:

Well no, it doesn't hurt to give someone a cuddle, not unless they've got broken ribs or third degree burns. But PDA (Public Displays of Affection) are tricky. Some men are not only comfortable with PDA, they develop a form of attention deficit disorder if they don't get enough. And the other type of man thinks PDAs are made by Motorola.
Everyone has different levels of attention and affection they feel they need to be happy. When two people with the same need for PDA get together, that's when people move away from them in restaurants for fear of sicking up their starter.

But I'm going to go all out and say I think you're right, deep down everyone likes a cuddle. Unfortunately, it's deeper down in some people than others. Maybe they had a weird relationship with their mum, or they hugged a clown once and got scared. I wouldn't waste too much time trying to work it out, some people just need more coaching on the finer points of showing affection.

If you think your relationship is based on just lust, it should increase his desire to cuddle. If anything's going to make you want to touch someone in a Tesco Extra, it's being overcome with lust near the root vegetables.
Just like some women think sex is only for when they're lying down under a 15 tog duvet with the lights off, some men think cuddling is only for kittens and comforting crying women. You need to show him otherwise. Or, take him for a drink and tell him your kitten's died.

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