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How to tell when he’s using you

Dear Lady and The Scamp,

Me and my boyfriend of two years broke up the other day because of his work mates. He said he doesn't want to get back together but we have been sleeping with each other nearly every day since. I asked him what we were and he said we were seeing each other, and that we are boyfriend and girlfriend again, but here is the thing he said he didn't want to tell anyone. Is he using me or is he ashamed of me, are we really together or am I being an idiot?
Kayleigh

Kevin says:

Why did you split up "because of his work mates"? Did he spend too much time with them? Did you sleep with them all? Were you banned by his company for making threatening phone calls to his office? There's no point in asking these questions I suppose, because you're not here. But it's kind of irrelevant anyway because I can answer your question without this extra information: yes, you are probably being an idiot.

You can't have a proper relationship without telling anyone. Not unless you have something to hide, which means he does. It could be all sorts of things: he's seeing someone else, he's embarrassed to be going out with you, he told his work mates you'd drowned (and they laughed as your misfortune). I suppose if you really have been sexing "every day", then it rules out the possibility he's seeing other girls, unless he's very energetic. But still, you deserve better than unexplained secrecy.

[Relevant: The real reasons men dump women]

Blokes often stay with girls just for the sexual bit, even when they don't really like them. And my guess is that he's trying to have the best of both worlds — continued intercourse combined with his freedom. The only way to test this theory is to insist on going public with your relationship. If he's really committed, he shouldn't care who knows.

And if he does care you should end it, then phone his office and threaten them.

Christine says:

Let me see, how shall I put this… you're being an idiot. We all like comfy things that we know and old habits are hard to break so I don't think he's ashamed of you, but he does appear to be using you. Firstly, you don't explain how his work mates could break you up. What did they do? Give a Powerpoint presentation with Clipart, detailing why you weren't right for him?

It sounds like he wants to have his freedom to guff about with his mates but also doesn't want to give up the sex on tap he has with you. Of course he wants to keep it quiet because otherwise he has to explain to his cronies why he was single and ready for action one minute and now isn't. Especially if his friends are not your biggest fans, they might not be too keen to hear he's gone back on his word. And let's face it, it's probably more difficult to pull if everyone knows you have a girlfriend.

Time for an old fashioned ultimatum. You're either officially back on or you are off. Right off. Don't accept this rubbish, and stop hanging around with him or you'll inevitably give in to his dubious charms. He'll either miss you so much that he'll be back with a different attitude or he'll leave you free to meet someone else. You're being a doormat, and the thing about a doormat is you're glad it's there when you've got dirty shoes but you wouldn't take it out the house with you. Which, I'm guessing, is the way he'd like to keep you unless you make a stand.

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