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Why NOT Being At Glastonbury Means You're Winning At Life

We can cure your Glasto envy in one fell swoop

You weren't lucky enough (or didn't get up early enough) to get tickets for Glastonbury this year so you've waved off half of your Facebook friends to the King of Festivals and are feeling glum.

It doesn't matter that you've got your own bed and toilets that flush, there's always that niggle of Glasto-envy.

Is this fun? Really? [REX]
Is this fun? Really? [REX]

But don't feel downhearted. There are some truly great reasons why you not being at Glastonbury means you are very much winning at life.

1. When it rains on the first day and those hilarious lads decide to mud wrestle for the bants. Everyone they rub up against while muddy will be caked for the rest of the week. Nice one, guys.

2. When it rains so, so much that your mid-calf wellies aren't tall enough to keep the actual s*** out when you walk past the portaloos. Squelchy.

3. When you wake up after a heavy night and realise your tentmate has done an actual poo in the actual tent. (True story.)

Did we take a wrong turn? [REX]
Did we take a wrong turn? [REX]

4. When your mate takes so much ketamine that he finds himself sobbing at the Save The Children adverts on the big screen and a girl asks to take his picture for her fashion blog. And she obviously doesn't have a fashion blog. (True story.)

It's all fun and games until the portaloos flood [REX]
It's all fun and games until the portaloos flood [REX]

5. When the sun goes down and nothing, but nothing, will ever make you warm again.

6. When you think glitter is the Bestest Thing and bathe in it until you sparkle all over. You will be sparkly forever.

7. Ditto UV facepaint.

8. When you realise you could be in Bali for five nights for the same price:

Alila Mangiss, Bali
Alila Mangiss, Bali

 

9. When one of your friends does something stupid and you spend the night in the medical tent. And you realise this is basically A&E. In a tent. When everyone else (and possibly you) are on pills. And they won't let you leave until you've had a wee to prove your kidneys still work.

10. When every single meal is £8. Yet all you get is soggy pitta and hummous. You can totally have that at home for £1 and feel like a winner.

11. When you accidentally wander into the Green Fields and before you know it you've spent four hours making a flour crown deep in a discussion about social engineering.

12. UTIs.

13. The trudging. The trudging everywhere. The trudging along dragging 130 cans of beer. When did Glastonbury get SO BIG?

It's the only liquid available that doesn't involve a schlep to the tap. And it's PEAR. Ugh. [REX]
It's the only liquid available that doesn't involve a schlep to the tap. And it's PEAR. Ugh. [REX]

14. When you have cider for breakfast because it's all there is.

15. When you return home with all the cool new clothes you spent all your moneys on and realise that they're 'festival cool'. I.e. Not.

16. When it takes a month of misery to get over the physical impact of five days drunk in a soggy campsite while your brain goes through individually erasing all bad memories of the week until you just can't wait to go back.

17. When all your friends ask which bands you saw and you realise you watched no music at the music festival. So you could have done the same thing in your back garden. With better loos.

Enjoy your dry, comfortable, urinary tract infection-free weekend, chaps.