Valentine’s Day 2015: Weirdest Sexy Treats To Enjoy With Your Lover

Forget roses, chocolate, champagne and oysters this Valentine’s Day.

That clichéd junk is for unoriginal losers who colour code their DVDs and iron their boxer shorts. Probably.

We've just found out something that beggars belief.

You can get a mould made of your own butt hole and have it turned into a delicious cocoa treat for your significant other to enjoy - a whole new meaning to the phrase "chocolate tunnel."

Because who wouldn't want to chow down on an anus for dessert?

The company, inventively named "Edible Anus" can supply you with a beautiful little box of dark, milk and white chocolate varieties.

At the moment, the chocolate versions are only available as a cast of the owner's own anus. However, if you're in the market to buy a solid bronze anus, you can apply for their "bespoke casting service" and have one created in the likeness of your own rear passage.

If that doesn't sound like it's for you, instead, why not invest in something you and your significant other will really enjoy – like Marmite flavoured body paint.

Yep, for fans of whatever-the-hell-Marmite-even-is you can now smear it on your lover for a really sexy night of Marmite-flavoured fun.

If you like eating the spread in your day-to-day life, then the news that adult store Harmony have created this prototype is no doubt the most exciting thing to happen since someone said, ‘Hey you know what would make this toast better? A thick, brown yeast flavoured spread!’

However for the myriad of people out there who cannot stand the stuff, this abomination will surely invoke feelings of nausea and involuntary spasms.

The body paint is designed to be lovingly rubbed on your lover’s body before being licked off and if there’s anything more erotic than the taste of Marmite combined with the texture of human hair we can’t think of it.

But if Marmite isn’t your thing, you should definitely try some Vice Cream – the world’s first female ‘Viagra’ ice cream.

Yes, you read that right: an ice cream infused with Ecuadorian chocolate, cream and Lady Prelox – ‘a natural, plant-based pleasure enhancer that boosts libido and encourages blood-flow to the sexual regions’.

The Licktators, the same team that brought you breast milk flavoured ice cream, have created the sweet treat in the hope that it’ll inspire amorous couples to dig in and maybe even recreate the naked ice cream eating scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.

If you prefer your aphrodisiacs a little harder then head down to London’s Ace Hotel where culinary visionaries Bompas & Parr will be hosting an anatomical whisky tasting night.

On February 14th, they’re hosting a special event where patrons can drink aged whisky straight from the natural contours of model’s bodies.

The experimental event will see whisky fans sipping 25-year-old single malt from a 25-year-old’s armpit or a 50-year-old dram from a 50-year-old belly button – you get the idea.

Apparently the heat of the performers’ bodies will warm the whisky and help to showcase the tipple’s flavours.

So cancel the roses and chuck out the lobster, make this a Valentine’s Day you’ll never forget. Not even if you tried.

NB: There's also vagina-scented perfume but let's not even go there...

[Treat Yourself This Valentine's Day. Boyfriend Not Required.]

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