34 Stages Of Celebrating Thanksgiving Only British People Will Understand

1.    Right, Thanksgiving. Isn’t that just for Americans?
2.    Do we really need ANOTHER reason to eat a full turkey dinner? We’ve already got Christmas.
3.    Wait, they have pumpkin pie? I’m listening.
4.    And sweet potato casserole? Okay, it’s on.

5.    But I can’t afford to go out and buy more presents for my family.
6.    What? No presents? Just food? And there’s like six hours of football on the telly? This is shaping up to be the best holiday EVER.
7.    Right, where can I eat this American banquet? Okay I’ll call up Bodean’s.
8.    Damn, they’re all booked up. What about The Blues Kitchen?
9.    Double damn, Chiltern Firehouse?
10.    LOL.

11.    McDonalds doesn’t count does it?
12.    No, no, you’re better than that. It’ll just have to be a homemade Thanksgiving, like the pilgrims did it.
13.    Before they gave the Native Americans blankets infected with small pox and nearly wiped them out.
14.    Right, I can do this. What do I need? A turkey, yes a turkey.
15.    What do you mean there are no turkeys? It’s November!
16.    Frozen? Can I cook a frozen turkey? How do you defrost things? You can’t use a hairdryer can you? I’m kidding…I think.
17.    My mate’s just sent me a suggestion. Oh hell no.

18.    Right, frozen it is. This is just like cooking a really massive chicken that may or may not fit into my oven.
19.    Except it has giblets. That’s a funny word: giblets. Giblets. What even are giblets? Where’s the label for this thing…
20.    “Please remove plastic bag containing giblets from turkey cavity before cooking”
21.    Oh good God...
22.    Crisis averted, now I’ve just got a slightly warm bag of giblets. Yum. Now the side dishes.
23.    Oh this is where the fun starts. Mashed potatoes, cornbread stuffing, pigs in blankets, sweet potato casserole, cranberry sauce, gravy, warm bread rolls. Holy moly, this might beat Christmas…

24.    “Add two cups of sweet potato and a stick of butter”. What’s a cup? What’s a stick? Says here a cup is half a US pint. A pint of sweet potato? That can’t be right…
25.    Wait a sec, you put WHAT on top of the sweet potato casserole? Mini marshmallows? No America, you go to far. I accepted bacon and maple syrup but this is just…
26.    Well, that’s a taste sensation. I vow never to eat another sweet potato without marshmallow.
27.    THREE HOURS LATER: Turkey isn’t even nearly done. And nowhere sells cornbread so it’s just a box of Paxo. And why are these pigs in blankets so fiddly?

28.    I WILL persevere. Okay so what if the cranberry sauce and gravy are out of a jar, the pilgrims didn’t even have their own turkey!
29.    So Waitrose is the only place that does pumpkin in a can.
30.    What the hell am I supposed to do with this?
31.    Argh, I think I’m making a pie. A real-life pumpkin pie! Look at me ma, your girl’s done good.
32.    THE TURKEY!

33.    It’s okay, I like crispy skin. And the char gives it flavour.
34.    Oh god this is a disaster. Oh well, at least I have my pie.


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