Dan About Town

The worst places to have sex

So a 20-year-old woman claims that squeaky clean singer Justin Bieber got her pregnant backstage at one of his shows. Mariah Yeater says sex with the whiny teen lasted "approximately 30 seconds" and that Justin refused to wear a condom. But most eye-catching of all in her vivid description of their alleged antics was the location, apparently taking place while she was "on some type of shelf".

And this is where I have sympathy for Mariah. A shelf is not a nice place to make love. In fact, having sex in random places is overrated. What's wrong with a good old-fashioned bed? Here, in addition to "on a shelf", are five more of the worst places to have sex...

On a beach
Ah, it's so exotic and adventurous — there's even a cocktail named after it. Sex on the beach — woo!
Or more accurately - noo!  Sex on the beach is an underwhelming and uncomfortable experience because of sand — a substance you don't want anywhere near your genitals due to its sharp, painful texture and tendency to get stuck in any nook or cranny it can find. And sex on a pebble beach is even worse. Yet people think this carnal act is the height of coolness. But you wouldn't look cool if you were caught, you'd look like a pair of sandy idiots.

[See also: Top 10 sex myths]

In a lift
By definition, sex in a lift will be disappointing because it can only last a maximum of 25 seconds, normally far less. The whole idea is quite silly — other people will come in, and you'll have to stop. And even if you do stop, it will be obvious you'd just been having sex and a stranger will see your nipple. It's a terrible idea. But people do it on telly and in films, I've seen them. As if. The only reason to have sex in a lift is if it breaks down and you get really bored.

Near a cat
I love being intimate with cats. By that, I mean I like to stroke them, hug them and kiss them all over their little bodies. But when a cat sees me being intimate with a woman, the fun ends.  What a cat will do when you're having sex is look at you. It will rarely approach you, or ask for anything. It will simply watch with vague curiosity — and this is deeply unnerving.  So when having sex in a family home or urban garden where a moggy might lurk, it is vital to enclose yourself in a room where it will not be able to enter.

In a car
A car is a wildly popular yet patently inconvenient place to make love. There are two places you can do it — the front or the back — and neither of them work because it's too cramped. If you are teenagers and your mums and dads are at home all the time, then fair enough - a car is a reliable alternative location. But if you're an adult, with your own house? Grow up! You dogger.

On the floor

Cool, the floor. That's a bit "different", if different means "more difficult". A floor is similar to a bed except it contains none of a bed's sexually advantageous contours and softness. On the other hand, there are literally no reasons why the floor is better for sex than a bed, unless perhaps you have severe back problems. But I wouldn't do it with someone with back problems anyway because it's just not sexy.

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