The woman that’s hardest to ask out
I was selected to write this dating blog from a pool of millions of hunky candidates due to my reasonable strike rate persuading women to go on dates with me. That's not always the case though.
One group of women with whom I have never had any success is that most glamorous species: the barmaid. Along with models, Hollyoaks actresses and lifeguards I would say that, as a general rule, barmaids are the fittest sub-category of woman.
[See also: Is it possible to pull a girl on a bus?]
True, in reality they may hate working in a bar and it may represent the crushing of all their dreams, but for me they retain an otherworldly status. Just like I wouldn't ask out Megan Fox if I bumped into her in Beverley Hills, I also wouldn't ask out a hot barmaid serving me a drink. That's because 1.) She is busy at work, 2.) Any flirtatiousness I detect is probably just part of her job and 3.) She probably gets asked out by blokes in this bar about 30 times a day. In other words, because she's a barmaid I think I wouldn't stand a chance.
Barmaids are there to be admired from a distance, sometimes even gently flirted with, but not be asked out. That's why, in more than a decade or ordering drinks from barmaids, I have never once been that guy asking for her number.
This doesn't stop me trying to impress them. While waiting to be served by a hot barmaid, I invariably attempt to conjure the sexiest face I can muster. I'm not sure exactly what this face involves or if it is sexy, but I still try to do it.
I also employ simple flirting techniques to impress the barmaid I never ask out. So when she returns my change or my credit card, I thank her while looking into her eyes and smiling. Quite often she won't even look at me but I am there smiling at her just in case, prepared.
I was not surprised when I visited a central London bar last week and noticed it employed a very good-looking barmaid. I had a drink with my mate without giving it much further thought. Then, as the bar emptied out, I noticed the barmaid looking at me. When I looked back a moment later, she was looking again. I was encouraged.
My mate and I discussed whether I should ask for her number. But I ruled it out. 1.) I hadn't even spoken to her and 2.) She was a barmaid! He said I had "nothing to lose", which was probably true, so I decided to write down my number and hand it to her. But then I quickly got scared and changed my mind.
Last orders were soon called and my pal and I were the last two people left in the bar aside from the barmaid and other assorted bar staff. My friend went to the toilet and the barmaid was cleaning the tables around me. This was my chance. But I had no idea what to say.
I went to the bar and stood there, evidently looking lost because she said, "You alright?"
I was gripped by fear.
"Yeah, I don't want to be served, it's OK," I quipped lamely. She didn't really respond, I could tell I was already losing her. I had to say something else.
"I noticed you were drinking a massive drink earlier," I commented, in reference to the massive drink I had seen her drinking earlier. She perked up.
"It's strawberry cider, really nice," she beamed, seemingly pleased that I had finally taken the initiative.
We spoke for a further 40 seconds, during which time I felt as if my tongue had a family of ladybirds crawling across it and my brain had been replaced by that of Joey Essex. I was nervous, and my chat was appalling. I won't go into detail but I can reveal that the main topic covered was Ribena.
The hot barmaid gave me opportunities to redeem myself, continued to be friendly in the face of my dribbling nonsense, but my flirting did not improve and eventually she edged away, just as my mate returned from the toilet.
"Let's go," I said, and forlornly waved the barmaid goodbye, too mortified to re-enter the conversation, and resolving never to go to the pub again.
10 people you shouldn't ask out
How many people should you date at once?
10 excuses for getting out of a date
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