Food Versus Sex: Why You SHOULD Sometimes Pick A Side

I've never quite understood the relationship between food and sex.

Yes, they are both pleasure givers.

Sure, they are all about oral.

But there are times when the inner prude comes crawling out of my naked body as I shout "Keep that can of dairy well away from my ass!"

Or is that just me?

It probably all comes down to a story an old friend told me a while back that put me off the joys of food porn....

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Michael was a food lover in the 21st century sense.

He blogged frantically, spanked his low wage in all the best restaurants in town and was always trying to explain recipes to people who didn't care.

Yes he was a little tubby, but women loved him.

Michael had always dabbled with the whole food/sex thing, but up until now had kept it pretty mainstream.

Organic whipped cream in the bedroom; Green & Blacks melted into body paint.

But, after a particularly sad break up, he decided to be single for a while and try a few things out.

I think a lot of us often wonder what else we should be doing in the bedroom and whether we should be braver…

So he went for it.

Introduced by friends to a "fellow foodie", he decided to pull out the chef card on their second date.

"I'm a mean cook," he said, "Come round for dinner."

A little bit chubby, very beautiful and hungry for adventure, she was prime for this.

After starters, they were already pretty pissed. He quickly grew comfortable around her and was sure he could be himself.

They even started to make jokes about "what was for dessert?" (ifyaknowwhadameeeeen).

But he couldn't really wait.

While the cassoulet was in the oven, he grabbed her and asked to make love to her.

She was game.

He led her to the bedroom and told her he'd be back.

Returning with a container he told her to trust him and blindfolded her.

She heard the lid open and smelt exotic aromas drift her way.

Moving towards her with excitement, and an erection, he slowly emptied the contents of the cassoulet onto her stomach.

And started sopping it up with his mouth.

Too much.

She whipped off the blindfold to see soupy stew sliding off her and was disgusted.

Gently asking him to stop, he was hurt, but understood.

He walked her to the door and offered to package her some to go.

She slammed the door in his face.

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So what's the takeaway here?

Don't forget to brief them before you pull out the freak card? Sure.

But also, don't risk it with someone you've been introduced to by friends.

When exploring your sexual tastes, you can go online and search for someone who has already told you they are down for whatever. In writing.

Because no matter how much you "sense" a stranger will understand you. Trust me, they won't.

[Meeting The Parents: Dress Up, Bring Flowers, Leave The Cocaine At Home]

[Let's Just Split It: A Lesson In Dating Etiquette]

Nana is the newest addition to our Yahoo Lifestyle blogging team. She's runs a bespoke dating service called Social Concierge.