Cracker jokes: Jokesmiths work their modern comedy magic on the festive funnies

Tired of old-fashioned and usually un-funny Christmas cracker jokes around the festive dinner table?

Then rejoice - for tidings of great joy we bring as a bunch of new wits have helped bring cracker jokes into the 21st century with gags about Miley Cyrus, speed dating and the Queen's Speech, perfect for confusing granny on the big day.

The jokes came out of a competiion by UKTV's comedy channel Gold, which challenged viewers to do better than the jokes that usuall make them sigh. And as 80 per cent of us still bother reading them out and chucking (or not) at the Christmas table, here's hoping they catch on.

The winning joke was by North London projectionist Richard Woolford, who used Miley Cyrus' unforgettable VMA appearence as his inspiration going with: "What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? Twerky."

Jokes two to 10 were as follows:

2. Why did no-one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.
3. Mary and Joseph - now they had a stable relationship.
4. What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast? The One Show.
5. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker.
6. Why don't you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care.
7. How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.
8. Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars? Because their days are numbered.
9. How do you know if Santa's been in your garden shed? You've got three extra hoes.
10. Why was the Brussels sprout sent to prison? Because it was a repeat offender.

A shortlist of the jokes was put together by comedy expert Bruce Dessau and then voted on by 2,000 adults in the UK.

Did you laugh? Could you do better? Tell us your favourite cracker joke over on Twitter.