Baby Blog: I’m A Single Parent, No Sympathy Required

“Oh you poor thing,” is the standard response, when I reveal that I’m a single parent.

Normally this is followed by a shake of the head and another consoling sentence.

But you don’t need to be sorry. I’m not a poor thing. I’m fine, better than fine, thank you very much.

Unfortunately, it would seem that some people still have a very low opinion of single mothers. But I’ve taken it upon myself to prove them wrong and show that there isn’t a particular narrative that we all stick to.

The first misconception is that any single parent must be desperately unhappy. I’m really not unhappy.

I’m under 30 years old, I had an unplanned baby, and it didn’t ruin my life. In fact, it’s made it. What can I say? I’m never been a big one for teamwork and wasn’t too keen on sharing my toys when I was little.

However, this isn’t to say that child rearing isn’t a two-man job. It definitely is and without the help of my friends and family I would be seriously lost and possibly not quite so upbeat.

Many women cite loneliness as their main complaint about early motherhood. But the solution to this isn’t a bloke – it’s having people who love you on hand. And Freddy and I have lots of those.

My mother is my main port of call, my go-to parenting number two. She’s a nan and a dad rolled into one, just minus the beard and 9-5 job in the city.

In Indian cultures, many women move in with their mother when she is eight months pregnant and doesn’t leave again until the baby is around six months old.

India also has one of the lowest rates of post-natal depression. That could be a coincidence or not.

The second misconception is that Freddy doesn’t have a male role model and subsequently will lead a life of emotional instability, low self-esteem and no understanding of the offside rule.

I’ve decided, for now, to tell Freddy we ‘didn’t need a daddy’ when he was born because we have so many others to support us.

Uncles, grandad and a very special great grandfather means he isn’t short of male role models. When he’s old enough, I plan to tell him the truth and answer any questions he has honestly.

But for now more people, including men, are in his life than any other baby I know. Most of these don’t even have their own children yet, which mean I have a willing team of babysitters queuing up to help out.

While our family might not be traditional or fit with society’s expectations, it certainly works for us.

That’s not to say that I don’t want to have a boyfriend, go on dates and swipe right on Tinder every now and then, but I definitely have plenty of time for all that.

But that will be a separate part of my life and none of these mythical men will be introduced to Freddy for a year at least. I’m certainly not looking for a replacement father.

I’ve noticed the occasional snide comment on this blog asking, “Where’s dad? I see one’s never been mentioned…” so in response, here’s a quick overview as to the whereabouts of Freddy’s father.

Which leads me to misconception number three – that his absence is accountable to me, that it’s my fault.

When I was three months pregnant ‘dad’ told me that he didn’t want to be acknowledged as such and we have had no contact since. His decision, his responsibility, his email (yes, email) - nothing to do with me.

Without going into the details, for me, this unplanned pregnancy wasn’t just a ‘ball of cells’ whatever decision I made. So I decided to leave it to nature where he couldn’t.

I had to put my job on hold, move away from the City and was lucky enough to be able to move back in with my family. I was terrified I was making the wrong decision.

Eight months in and things are pretty much back to normal. My job didn’t change and my friendships didn’t either – if anything they strengthened. They only change is that I now share everything with this remarkable little boy who makes me smile every single day.

It’s taken me a while to get here. On the day my son was born all I felt was sadness. I looked at his innocent face and felt guilty for bringing him into the world under the circumstances. In that moment I was the single mother’s worst critic.

That’s why these misconceptions need addressing so women who find themselves in the same seemingly imprisoning situation don’t need to fear the worst, they can know that they are going to be OK.

Sometimes the most incredible things happen when you were making other plans. It wasn’t the ‘end of my life’ as I had feared, but the start of a new one. And a truly blessed one at that.

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