Baby Blog: I Love My Baby But I Hate All The Stuff That Comes With Him

I don't see how the people who design baby car seats can possibly have children. Nor the person who decided to flat pack nursery chairs.

They make it so difficult for parents.

I didn't realise that having a baby would require me to temporarily morph into Handy Andy at the drop of a dummy.

I've spent hours, days and quite possibly weeks of the last four months hunched over instruction pamphlets, swearing under my breath over what an Allen key* is.

*NB: What IS an Allen key!?

Fastening our car seat is like doing a Crystal Maze challenge. Fiddly awfulness against the clock. If you don't get it done quickly, the baby (and in turn you) will combust into wailing wrecks.

I have come to the conclusion the government should introduce a compulsory NVQ that mums-to-be study for while pregnant, to prepare them for the fiddly reality of becoming a parent.

Actually scrap that, because I almost certainly would have failed mine.

I love my baby, but I sure as heck hate all the stuff that comes with him.

Then And Now
I used to leave the house with just my keys, phone, wallet and lipgloss.

Now each time I head out it's like I'm packing to go on a two-week camping holiday. Babies definitely need a lot of gear.

I reckon that's why they're so small. What they lack in body mass they make up for in stuff. Stuff which goes on wheels meaning you are indefinitely resigned to finding the lift. Unless you want to lug your load around in a four-ton baby carrier. On the plus, this is excellent exercise.

And God forbid you forget just one tiny thing on your checklist because this will be the exact thing that you need as soon as you step foot out the door.

You have to account for every eventuality. It might rain – so i'd better pack his raincoat. It might get late - so we better take a blanket. It might snow - so i better pack the sledge. It might be the start of nuclear war - so I had better pack this flat pack bomb shelter. Not that I will be able to work out how to assemble it.

Mum Club Politics
I also hate the other stuff. The less real stuff, the more feeling-y stuff. Like the politics of baby clubs.

Sadly, there's a passive aggressive competitiveness between most mums. "Oh, yours isn't sitting up? Shame. Mine is. Not that it MATTERS, of course," one said to me.

"Miles smiles ALL the time AND laughs. Does Freddy? Not that it MATTERS, of course," said another.

"I feed Ella pureed organic zucchini flown in on a private jet from Naples. What do you feed Freddy? Not that it MATTERS, of course." OK, I may've elaborated on that particular story, but you catch my drift.

It All Adds Up
You may've guessed that all this stuff doesn't come cheap. In fact, it costs loads. Especially the baby clubs – baby swimming, baby yoga, baby sensory. The latter of which I'm fairly confident we could recreate with a Toys R Us disco ball and MTV Hits on the telly.

All this stuff adds up. Recent statistics show that children cost parents a QUARTER OF A MILLION QUID. And that's only from birth to the age of 21 - so no wedding or grandchildren costs are included.

Four kids therefore equals £1 million! Hands up who would prefer a luxury townhouse? Of course, I am joking. Who could get a luxury townhouse for that price nowadays?

What You DON'T Need
To add insult to injury you quickly realise that you could have really done without a fair bit of those expensive buys that everyone said you needed.

If I could do it again, I would say, "A bottle warmer? I have a kettle, thank you. Baby food maker? Er, that's just a blender, stop making names up. Baby towels? Otherwise known as small towels. Wipe warmer? OK, now you're just being silly."

So to summarise... car seats are bad, children are expensive, wipe warmers are pointless and an Allen key is a tool of hexagonal cross-section used to drive in bolts and screws.

[Baby Blog: My Maternity Leave Will Soon Be Over - But I'm Not Sure I Want To Go Back To Work]

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