Anon Uber Driver Reveals Worst Types Of Passenger...Which One Are You?

Rating Uber drivers makes perfect sense.  Poorly rated drivers can be cancelled before they arrive and Uber can pull drivers off the platform if they persistently underperform.  But did you know that drivers also rate you?

They see your score before accepting the job and they can refuse you if they consider you to be a substandard passenger.  Perhaps that doesn’t matter when jobs are scarce for drivers on a Monday evening, but when they’re flooded with requests at 2am on Saturday morning, they can afford to be more fussy – right at the point of peak desperation!

So what makes for a good passenger and what annoys drivers?

Here’s a rough guide to help you identify what type of passenger you are and your corresponding rating, from best to worst.

The Quiet Rider

The Quiet Rider accounts for about half of all passengers.  They don’t want any fuss, they don’t want any chat; they’re polite and they generally spend the journey pottering on their phone.  Don’t feel obliged to make conversation when the driver asks how you are, he’s used to The Quiet Rider.  ‘Hello, how are you?’ is an invite to speak only if you want to.

Verdict: 5 stars for being a totally forgettable person, regardless of whether you tipped.

The Uber Aficionado

‘How is Uber working out for you?’  ‘My drivers always have such interesting lives.’  ‘I love Uber drivers, they’re so polite.’

So many passengers actually want to talk about Uber.  Uber is a phenomenon, and customers are often concerned that drivers aren’t making enough money – there’s some truth in that too.  But despite the fact that you get asked the same question several times a day, a bit of chat always helps to pass the time.

Verdict: The Uber Aficionado also scores 5 stars.

The Route Quibbler

The passenger who thinks you’re trying to pull a fast-one is a passenger who doesn’t get Uber. 

We don’t play a giant game of Snake around London depending on whether you have an American accent or not.  We want to do the best for you, and we want to get a good rating too. 

That’s not to say we don’t cock-up from time to time.  Remember, Uber drivers work from sat-navs and they probably don’t know exactly where they’re going themselves. When I started driving for Uber, I didn’t know where Shaftesbury Avenue was!  But the great thing about Uber is that they send you a map of your journey afterwards.  Send a quick email to Uber and they will adjust your fare accordingly.

Verdict: 4 stars for anybody who complains about the route when it’s too late to change course.

The Drunk Sleeper

There are a surprising number of Drunk Sleepers, whacked out after long working days and hard drinking nights.  There’s the one who falls asleep in the front seat, slumps forward and leans into you every time you turn a corner.  There’s the one who curls up on the back seat without their seatbelt on. 

Others don’t wake up when you arrive, even when you start calling them loudly, so you have to rock them awake and hope they don’t accuse you of anything untoward when they come to.  They’re generally not at risk of throwing up but they are a pain, especially when they tell you you’re at the wrong address upon arrival!

Verdict: 4 stars – mix it up with some 5-star rides and you’ll be fine.

The User

The User is typically moving onto the second part of their night and has already polished off a bottle of bubbly.  They’re likely to sit in the front seat, ratchet it back and start doing their make-up in the mirror. 

They’ll ask for chewing gum and play Beyoncé loudly through the speakers by connecting up their phone with the AUX cable.  As they go to leave they’ll spy the water bottle in the door pocket and ask: ‘Do you mind if I take this?’ 

If I’ve just taken you home and you’re metres away from your own kitchen then I do mind!  But people who take without asking are worse, and people who replace water bottles with empty beer bottles are worse still.

Verdict: The User is a 3-star passenger – there’s nothing wrong with taking what you need, it’s just that a little politeness goes a long way.

The Slow-Show

I’ve arrived.  I’ve parked in front of your house down a terraced street, I’ve gone forward to let a car past, then reversed back up your street again.  I’ve called and you’ve said, ‘I’ll just be a minute’ – that was five minutes ago.  Then your friend gets in to make sure I don’t leave and I wait another five minutes whilst you finish getting ready.

Drivers don’t get paid to wait.  I could ask to start the fare early, but then you probably won’t give me five stars, so I just have to suck it up and imagine that it’s going to be a long ride to compensate.

You finally get in and we go two miles for £5 – bear in mind that a driver probably takes £2.50 profit from a £5 ride.  That’s a real bummer, especially if it’s the peak working hour of the night.

Verdict: The Slow-Show on a short journey is a thoughtless person.  3 stars – request when you’re ready!

The No-Show

Some people don’t cancel you, don’t answer their phone and never show.  Presumably, they jumped into a black cab a long time ago, but when there’s not much work in an evening you’re willing to wait a bit longer in case your client does show. 

The problem with The No-Show is that you can’t rate them, just as a customer can’t rate a driver who doesn’t show.

Verdict: none possible, but thanks for the £5 no-show fee all the same.

The Party Girls

‘Have you got a girlfriend, Charles?’  ‘Does she mind you driving us girls around, Charles?’  ‘Oo, I like your jumper, Charles.  Does your mum dress you?’

Groups of loud drunk girls who think they’re being funny are extremely common.  It seems to me that all girls have been schooled by Mrs Merton in the art of making you feel uncomfortable.  When you’re working a twelve hour shift on a weekend night the last thing you need is another eight miles of ‘banter’.

Verdict: 3 stars, girls – learn some new jokes!

The Uber Fumblers

Doing the Uber Fumble maybe on your bucket list, but whilst you’re in my car I’d prefer you to desist. 

As a driver, I’ve had heels jabbed into my shoulders while my clients have been in the throes of passion, passengers in the front snogging passengers from the back seat (behind right next to my ear), some completely inappropriate questions and some even more inappropriate behaviour. 

I’m no prude, and whilst it gives me a good story down the pub, I’d rather I didn’t have to worry about my seats getting soiled.

Verdict: Us drivers know your game, Uber Fumblers, which is why I’m scoring you an underwhelming 2.

The Not-So-Cool Lads

I enjoy the company of guys. I enjoy the tunes they plug in and the chat, but I don’t like it when people cross the line with either their humour, laddish behaviour, misogyny or xenophobia – that’s not restricted to lads by the way. 

One guy I took brought his cigarette into the car, only stubbing it out on request, then in a highly derogatory manner he discussed with his mate what he wanted to do to the girls he’d got numbers off that night.  I admit that I’m too much of a coward to confront drunk lads when they’re acting tough and acting cool, particularly when they’re strapped into my car.  But whilst it’s not my job to moralise, I can rate you afterwards and you stand a good chance of not getting picked up again.

Verdict: 1 star for anybody who doesn’t live in a tolerant 21st Century.

The Vomiter

In several months of driving night shifts full-time in London, I took one person who’d already vomited down the front of his trousers and a few others whose breathe smelt of sick or were in an abject drunken stupor, but nobody threw-up in my car. 

This is the fear of a driver, but it’s extremely rare.  When you see that somebody is a high-risk, then you drive accordingly, offering water, putting the air-conditioning temperature down, driving gingerly over speed bumps and telling them they can stop at any point to get out.

Verdict: The Vomiter would get 0 stars if that were possible, but instead gets 1 star and a £60 fine.

Being able to rate each other is essential, helping to raise standards of customer service and making people think twice about engaging in any anti-social behaviour.  The good news for passengers is that drivers have to rate immediately after each job, so you can feel free to be as honest as you like when you rate us in return.

So next time you’re in an Uber, do ask your driver what your rating is, and make sure you’re on time, won’t you?

*Charles Brickfield is a pen name. 

He is the author of Bad Uber – The Diary of an Uber Driver, available on Amazon.

You can also read some of the stories about what he got up to via his blog: Bad Uber Blog, updated daily.

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So, which passenger do you think you are? Let us know in the comments!