Aldi Virgin Katie Hopkins Ditches Pride And Is Spooked By Sausages Floating In Yellow Liquid

I am a virgin.

This may come as a surprise to some: notably my past boyfriends. As M&S would say, I am not just any old virgin, I am a snobby Aldi virgin, at least I was until I decided it was time for me to ditch my pride and see what I have been missing.

Let’s face it, most supermarket shoppers are unfaithful, schlepping about from store to store to find a bargain. But Aldi has got some people hooked and profits have soared by 200 per cent as a result.

It’s the Aldi ads that got us through the doors. Sure ‘we like this brand’ but it turns out ‘we like this brand too’ at half the price.  Wheat-Bisks replace Weetabix and Benefit takes the place of Special K.

The thought of just how many people in the store are living on benefits (in every sense) has been the thing that put me off shopping here. The regular crowd is a touch Night of the Living Dead in a fake UGG.

Some things on the shelves are equally spooky. There are sausages floating about in a yellow liquid like fat fingers in a specimen jar at the morgue. I take a look at 2 Beef Wellingtons for £6.99. The beef content is 23 per cent. 23 per cent! I’m the first to admit there are other things in a beef wellington than beef – but that is a whole lot more wellington than I bargained for.

In fact Aldi has seen an uplift of 18 per cent of shoppers from the Hunter welly brigade. They are Aldi’s fussy eaters, picking out the stuff they like – champagne, lobster tails and cheap Merlot.

Moving through the random products, you can only assume someone from procurement got spectacularly drunk on copycat gin and ordered anything for a laugh.  A nail gun - why not? A motorbike helmet - absolutely!  A Mother’s Day brooch in the shape of a bat - just the thing for my mother-in-law!

[Everything we knew about healthy eating is wrong. Fact]

[No more drinking off milk! New colour change stickers have blown our mind]

There is a strange optimism to all of this. Even look-a-like products are positively named:  a Twix is a Jive and a Bounty is a Romeo. I didn’t know whether to dance or fall in love.

Like Branson’s very own Virgin in the early years there is a sense of anarchy, a rising up of the underdog. It does feels like Aldi is genuinely on your side, it is not trying to trick you with two for one offers or buy one get one free deals.

For the first time in living memory I left a store with one of each of the things I wanted to buy.

Nothing prepares you for an Aldi checkout. Their speed scanning system is intense. I had an Aussie fast bowler working my till. Leaping about at the end of the stunted till bay I tried to catch my bacon and fake Bounty bars as they whistled through the air.

I couldn’t shop for my family at Aldi, we just don’t like pork enough.  But if ever go through check out again; I will buy that motorcycle helmet from aisle three just to protect my head.