Mum Diary: Should I just ditch my parenting self-help books?

Something wonderful happened last night. Something magical. Baby Olly slept through – from 10pm to 5.20am! Yep, a 5.20am start now seems like a lie-in, that’s how tough these last few months have been.

However, my ‘lie-in’ was slightly ruined when I woke at 5:15am in a blind panic wondering why my baby hadn’t woken. In fact I am fairly sure that he only woke at twenty past because I roused him by rushing into his bedroom to check he was still okay.

But he slept through without any special techniques or dream feeds or any of the stuff that my self-help books suggest; which made me wonder why I have them.

And I have so many – 11 at last count. So I’ve been wondering if it’s time to ditch the parenting manuals and just trust my own judgement.

[Alternative lullabies helped my baby to sleep]
[Sleeping tips for baby from mum to mum]

Heavy shelves

On my shelf right now I have a book recommending crying it out, a book promising no-cry sleep training, a book on normal sleep patterns, a book on the first year, three books on caring for toddlers, a book on managing a toddler with a new baby, one book on raising happy boys, one book on raising happy siblings and one book on teaching through play.

That doesn’t include the five books of baby and toddler recipes I’ve acquired, although some of those were presents. Wow, when I type it all out that does sound like quite a lot. I’m the Bridget Jones of motherhood.

Always be prepared

You see, the trouble I have is that I like to feel prepared for important things. If something is important then I want to study for it in advance.
 
School, university, job interviews. I’ve even bought a book on caring for a puppy and we’re not planning to get one until next year – I like to feel prepared.

Now, I consider raising my two boys to be the single most important job I have ever done or ever will do, and yet there is no training! You don’t have to pass an exam or complete a college-accredited course; you just crack on with it. I remember my surprise when they just let me leave hospital with Baby Harry without even asking if I knew not to hold him upside down.

I had attended all the neonatal classes of course, I’d even paid for extra ones, but they were all obsessed with the actual birth. There was hardly any information on keeping the baby alive and thriving once you got home.

Of course, like all new parents I soon discovered that there’s no real science to rearing babies. As long as you follow the safety advice, it’s perfectly normal to just muddle along as best you can. My advice for new parents now is always: “Whatever works for you.”

Yet despite learning that lesson, I’m still somehow convinced that a book exists that will transform me into the perfect parent and my boys into permanently happy cherubs who one day go to Oxbridge.

[Your baby’s first day in the world]
[How to bond with your baby]

Harry the Horror

It’s not just Baby Olly’s sleeping that’s making me question whether my mountain of manuals helps at all.

At nearly two and a half, Harry has suddenly plunged into the terrible twos. The defiance is relentless and often makes no sense at all.

“These are your shoes here, Harry,” I’ll say. “They’re not!” he’ll shout in reply and then have a meltdown when I try to put them on him.

Now, I know that this is an important developmental stage and most of the time Harry is a very loving little boy. I am not worried about his tantrums. But I do want to know the best way to deal with them.
 
Sadly, my books cannot agree on the best tactic. They variously suggest holding him closely during a meltdown, leaving the room so he has no audience, reasoning with him, putting him in time out and carefully avoiding all tantrums by distracting him.

The only tactic I consistently use is that last one – many a storm has been diverted with a cheery: “Wow look! A daisy!” Thank goodness he’s so easily distracted.

But the other books are adamant that their technique is the only way to raise a contented and caring child. I suppose what I need to remember is that if a book promises to have all the answers, it almost certainly won’t.

The most useful tips I have had have come from friends and family who’ve already been through whatever it is that I’m dealing with. And if there’s no easy answer then at least they’ll make me a cup of tea, which is more than any parenting manual ever did.

Do you read parenting manuals? Have they helped? Does anyone actually have the answers? Let me know what you think in the comments below. Just don’t recommend any parenting books because I’ll probably go out and buy them…

Read more from Mum Diarist Felicity Hannah:

Mum Diary: I'm a self-confessed 'sharent'
Mum Diary: I can't wait to embarrass my children too!
Mum Diary: I was mistaken for a perfect parent!
Mum Diary: Why are mums always late? It's took an hour to get my two in the car...