Diary of a royal baby, aged 0 and not many days

Life began rather differently for royal baby Prince George than for most newborns, from his mum Kate Middleton's luxurious birth suite to facing the paparazzi at a little over 24 hours old.

We imagine what it's like to be the tiny, future king.

Dear Diary,
I wanted to say hullo after my first few days on the planet. Hullo! Just arrived home and though one doesn’t want to be brash, I have done rather well for myself! I’ve even got my own swing. Oh wait... Daddy just corrected me, it’s not a swing, it’s a , a bit of the palace just for little old me. I mean seriously, I am little - there are spoons in this place that weigh more than me.
Ta ta for now,
RB

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Dear Diary (or ‘gold-plated notebook encrusted with diamonds gifted by the New Zealand government’ as silly Daddy insists on calling you),
Now I do have to be careful here as I’ve already learned that one is always worried that one’s words may get leaked to the press - Uncle Harry says he’s had a terrible time with them before now, the poor bugger. Got to go for now though - supper’s up, Cook’s just doing a quick caviar pasta, but I’m stuck on milk. Shall pop back soon!
RB

Dear Diary,
Great Granny just Skyped - she wanted to talk to Mummy about my official photo outfit, apparently there’s a company that do baby knee-length pastel coats, but Mummy’s put her foot down and has been on to Issa to design something. Personally I’d go naked with vomit on my shoulder and poo up by back, but there is of course protocol.
RB

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Dear Diary,
Uncle Harry’s just been over. Brought me a ticket to Vegas for 2031!
RB

Dear Diary,
Elton’s just been over. Brought me a helicopter!
RB

Dear Diary,
Managed a peek out of the window this morning and there is a right old hullabuloo outside! Mummy said something about me being the photographers’ ‘biggest obsession since Auntie Pippa’s bottom.’ She looked a little annoyed actually - something about ‘My bladdy wedding’?
RB

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Dear Diary,
I can’t even tell you how embarrassing it was today when Great Granny came to visit me. There they all were having a cucumber sandwich (I was on the milk again; Uncle Harry says it won’t be long until I can have a Treasure Chest though, which sounds splendid!) when there was a terrible stink in the room.

So everyone looked at Great Grandpapa, and he got annoyed and Granny Camilla said ‘Well let’s face it Philip, you’re as likely to clear the room with a stink as you are with one of your clangers.’ I don’t know what she meant, but I do have to confess that that terrible stink was... well it was me, ok? One may be royal, but when one needs a nappy change, one needs a nappy change.
RB