New Mummy blog: Dealing with unwanted advice

When our baby was born, apparently we unwittingly stuck a big sign above our heads declaring open season on advice giving. It seems every person we know, as well as many that we don’t, has an opinion on how we should be raising our child and they have no qualms about sharing it.

In fact, it started before Honor was born. Being pregnant was enough to invite all sorts of well meaning but often inappropriate comments from all sorts of people. The comments ranged from being given a dressing down for not asking for a seat on the Tube (I was only going two stops) to being told I “shouldn’t be buying that” when purchasing a bottle of wine for my husband and friends to share over dinner – never mind that I had no intention of consuming it myself.

But it’s become so much more prevalent now that Honor’s here on the outside. Much of it comes from well-meaning friends and family, and far be it from me to refuse it. On the contrary, it is often much needed, and welcome – whether invited or not. As we plunge headfirst into the unknown world of parenthood, we are grateful for the help and reassurance.

[New Mummy: And so it all begins]
[New Mummy: The best baby ever, of course…]

It’s just that sometimes being told that we’re doing things wrong isn’t helpful or reassuring. For instance, there’s the issue of Honor’s sleeping arrangements – which, on the advice of our health visitor and recent research, are that Honor sleeps in our bedroom and will continue to do so until she’s six months old.

We’re happy with this decision, and feel comfortable that it’s the best thing for our child – but it seems that many other people are not. We have family members telling us that “wasn’t how things were done” in their day, when baby was in his or her own room as quickly as possible, usually within a matter of days. We are, they tell us, “creating a rod for our own backs” and all three of us will suffer as a consequence.

They exchange glances when I launch into a “They say…” defense – believing their school of life experience far superior to the theory and psychology of the parenting books I’ve read. And in many cases it absolutely is. But when faced with 30 years of research since they had babies, research that irrefutably shows that it’s safer for our baby to sleep in our room until she’s six months old, I’ll go with the books.

I am conscious of not always seeming to reject out of hand the suggestions and advice they offer, however. Often it is invaluable and I don’t want to put them off from trying to help in future. I pity the new mums I hear despairing of their mothers or mothers-in-law for being too meddlesome or too disinterested – happily I suffer from neither.

And while advice from wonderfully well-meaning family members is one thing, advice from strangers is something else entirely. When a plumber who was in our house to fix the central heating also commented on Honor’s cot being in our bedroom and started trying to tell me I want to move it sharpish, I was able to bite my tongue only because I was rendered speechless by his presumption that I wanted his parenting input.

[Tips for busy mornings with a toddler]
[How can I tell what my baby wants?]

Or there’s the kind but militant elderly lady, who insists on checking how warm Honor’s feet are whenever we meet in passing. “You must not let her get cold!”, she warns every time, never mind that she hasn’t once found the temperature to be wanting.

Or the waiter who tried to shove a honey-dunked dummy into her mouth to pacify her – oblivious to the recommendation that babies don’t have honey before a year old (due to botulism risks). Which in turn brought us back to another “Nonsense! You all had honey as babies and you’re fine!” comment from our parents.

I never want to offend, and tend to deal with these intrusions from strangers with a smile, a nod and a change of subject, but often afterwards I replay the scenario in my mind with an alternate ending – one where I put them firmly in their place with a witty and withering comeback. Not that it matters, of course. They can dish out all the advice they want – I’m getting quite good at ignoring it.