Mum Diary: Why table manners don't matter

This may not be popular, but I don’t agree with imposing table manners on very young children. My two boys Harry and Olly eat three meals a day at the table, but I never tell them to keep their elbows off the table, or chew with their mouths shut, or stop singing.

And before you assume that mealtimes at our house are chaotic, besplattered and disgusting, let me explain why:

Let’s be honest, any mealtime with a baby at the table is a pretty gruesome affair. One-year-old Olly is an undeniably enthusiastic gourmand. He’s not limited to taste alone; he revels in the total sensory experience of food; plastering yoghurt into his hair and mashing cereal between his fingers with an expression of intense concentration. I’ve seen him jab celery into his ear just to see what happened.

When he tires of a particular food, he carefully drops it on the floor before loudly applauding his discernment. But he’s just 12 months old; even the strictest adherent to table etiquette is unlikely to demand he chews with his mouth closed.

Harry is about to turn three so things are different. If I wanted to, I could demand he sit still, chew with his mouth closed, hold his fork properly, listen politely to the adults talking and never, ever sing Bob the Builder theme tune at top volume.

But I don’t. I make no effort at all to check any of those behaviours. This isn’t because I’m crazily lax or don’t care, it’s because I have a different priority; I want him to enjoy his meals.

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At this age, I think the most important thing is that he enjoys coming together as a family to share food. I want him to look forward to sitting at the table and to enjoy his meals. They should be a pleasure, not a thrice-daily ordeal.

I don’t really remember enjoying my childhood meals. Raised by a strict grandparent, I was constantly adjusted and pestered, nagged to eat more, told to sit up straight and not to talk. I don’t want that for my sons.

Of course, some people will believe this is outrageous and that children should be taught to eat politely as soon as they can grasp a plastic spoon. But I’d answer those people by pointing out that my children eat every meal at the table. Their table manners are naturally developing simply because they are following our lead.

A survey last year showed six out of 10 meals are actually eaten in front of the TV now. The research was commissioned by Red Tractor beef and lamb and revealed that one-third of people don’t even make conversation while they eat.

Now, I am honestly not judging. I know from experience that many homes are so small these days it’s actually impossible to fit a table big enough for family meals. I also know that modern life is exhausting and sometimes people want to just veg out and enjoy their food without formality.

Occasionally, I will feed the boys by themselves, and my husband and I will have a takeaway in front of the TV. But pretty much every other meal is eaten with our children at the table. We don’t need to nag them about manners because they are gradually picking up on what we do. And that’s particularly true about the most important table etiquette, such as listening to each other and sharing conversation.

I think that what really matters at mealtimes are how the adults behave. I don’t like the idea of demanding children leave their toys on the floor only for the grown-up to check their mobile phone. At this age, I think that showing children good table manners matters more than telling them off for poor behaviour.

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When they are older, I expect I will need to polish up their manners. I’ll explain to Harry that he doesn’t need to shove his peas onto Olly’s plate and suggest that it’s not perfectly polite to try and make a farting noise with the fork and table cloth.

But right now I want my children to learn to enjoy mealtimes and food. I want the focus to be on coming together as a family to chat and break bread. There's plenty of time to ask them to chew with their mouths closed, I just don’t think it’s that important at three.

What do you think? Would you want to sit next to this family in a restaurant? Or is our mum blogger right to focus on having an enjoyable family meal? Have your say in the comments below.