Mum Diary: Why I've told my toddler there are fish in his radiator

I never planned on lying to my two-and-a-half-year-old son Harry. When he was old enough to start asking questions about how the world works I made a conscious decision to not tell lies, except for legitimate ones like Father Christmas and the contents of the biscuit barrel (it’s empty, if he asks).

Oh I know some parents who love to weave elaborate lies for their kids, just for fun. One of my friends has told their children that old photos are black and white because the world didn’t get colour until just recently.

I’m full of admiration for my quick-witted sister-in-law whose children believe that the ice-cream van plays a tune to show that it’s run out. And I suffered myself as a child; my father told me that houses were only painted pink when the Queen had stayed in them. It was only in my teens that I realised I’d been lied to, after wondering why our monarch spent so much time in poky seaside cottages.

Mindful that my sons have absolute faith in my integrity, I was determined not to lie to them. And yet, lies have started to creep in, particularly when I want a quick, easy explanation. For example, when Harry is objecting to something, I hold my hands up and say: “Well, I don’t make the rules.” As if there’s some higher power that demands he eats his main course before his yoghurt and I’m just some jobsworth mummy who’s not prepared to show any discretion.

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But just recently I have crossed a real line between straight-forward untruths and downright crazy lies. I have told Harry that there are goldfish living in his radiator. Honestly, there is a good reason.

The truth is that Harry’s bedroom radiator gurgles. We’ve bled it, we’ve asked a plumber to look at it and there are no answers; it just gurgles. But the gurgle sounds like something is wiggling around inside and it’s started upsetting my imaginative toddler.

“Mummy, there are monsters in the radiator,” he said plaintively at bedtime last week. It was lights-out and the last thing I needed was to explain the complex workings of a modern central heating system. Frankly, I’ve only got a loose understanding myself – I’m not even sure if water passes through the radiators on the way to the taps (From the look my engineer husband gave me when I said that, I imagine it doesn’t).

So, I thought fast and then I lied as fluently as a politician. “Those aren’t monsters, Harry, those are the fish.”

“The fish?” he asked, delight slowly transforming his fearful little face.

“The fish,” I said firmly, “The goldfish that live in our radiators. They’re our pet fish and that’s where they live. But sometimes they make a bit too much noise and we have to say ‘keep it down fish!’”

“Keep it down, fish!” said Harry, and happily went to sleep.

“Oh, by the way, Harry now believes there are fish in the radiator,” I casually said to my husband when I came downstairs. It was only when he stared at me as if I had grown an extra head that I realised what a bizarre lie that was.

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Now I’m wondering if my eldest could have coped with an explanation of central heating; perhaps we should have sat down together with the internet and looked it up. After all, he already understands more than me about the things that interest him. We walked past a building site the other day and I brightly pointed out an orange digger. “Mummy, that’s a front-end loader,” Harry corrected me, before patiently teaching me which vehicle was a pile driver and which was a road roller. I don’t know how he picks it up.

Anyway, perhaps you’re not a fan of telling outright lies to children, perhaps you think I could have handled Harry’s bedtime fears better. All I know is that at 2am this morning, I heard my toddler sleepily shout: “Be quiet fish!” before going back to sleep.

Compare that to a middle-of-the-night visit to our room and a tearful wail about monsters, and I’ll tell any number of lies to keep my toddler in his own bed.

Do you lie to kids? For fun or for strictly pragmatic reasons? Share your opinions and your best lies in the comments below.