Mum Diary: Why can’t I say I want a baby girl?

When you’re pregnant and people ask you whether you want a boy or a girl, there’s only one acceptable answer. You place a hand on your expanding bump, smile fondly and say that you don’t care as long as it’s healthy.

That’s certainly what I did in my two pregnancies, helped by the fact that it was true. When pregnant with Harry I would have been delighted with a boy or a girl. When pregnant with Olly, I thought a girl would be wonderful but a boy could play more easily with Harry – I really didn’t care either way. At the 20-week scan, we could clearly see that Olly was going to be another boy and we were really pleased.

But now it’s hit me. We’d like to have one more baby – just one. We’ve decided to leave it a few years, so that we don’t have three pre-schoolers, but we’re hoping to have another before I am 35.

That means that if my next pregnancy isn’t a girl then I will never have a daughter. I will never teach a daughter to put on make-up or watch her play netball. I will never watch my daughter grow up and maybe have children of her own.

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I realised all this when I was in the supermarket, looking at baby clothes for Olly. We’re at that stage of weaning where he wants to take the spoon himself and have a go, meaning that most of his clothes are caked in cream cheese and we’re changing outfits three times a day. As for the cheese in his hair, that stuff sets like concrete! If I can’t get it out with a baby wipe then it only comes out in the bath that night, so I was looking for some extra hats too.

While browsing the boys’ outfits – mostly blues and greens, dinosaurs and truck motifs – I suddenly wandered into the girls’ area. There were tiny denim dresses with embroidered flowers and dancing mice. Purple woolly tights with big white spots. Soft fabrics, charming patterns and gentle colours.

I must have stood and stared for several minutes, until Harry accidentally swung his toy T-Rex and hit Baby Olly in the ear, jolting me back to the present with an outraged wail and an accompanying defensive shout that: “Olly headbutted dino!”

We carried on with our day, but a part of my mind remained in the baby girl aisle, wondering if I would ever have a reason to put those beautiful dresses and tops into my trolley. I suddenly realised with a jolt that if I never have a daughter, I will feel as if I have missed out on one half of motherhood.

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Of course, I do have girls I care about. I have five nieces and counting, many of my friends have little girls, and I’m godmother to a very sweet girl the same age as Olly.

But it’s not just the dresses; any future daughter would no-doubt end up dressed in Harry and Olly’s cast-offs anyway. I long for the closeness. I have an excellent relationship with my mother; we talk on the phone most days, we go shopping together, we lie on the bed and paint our nails. We’re friends.

I hope my sons are friends of mine when they’re adults. But while I hope they are full of confidence and self-expression, it seems less likely that we will ever lie on the bed together and paint our nails. Is it so wrong to admit that I would desperately, desperately like a daughter to complete our family?

And before you think I am a heartless mummy whose third-born son may one day read this and feel unwanted – I could never be disappointed with another boy. When we next come to roll the baby dice, I would be extremely happy if they landed XY up again. Every baby boy we’ve had so far has been a wonderful addition to our family and I would count myself extremely lucky if we had three healthy sons.

However, just because I wouldn’t be disappointed to welcome another boy doesn’t mean that a small part of me wouldn’t be gutted that my dreams of a daughter were finished.

Be honest with me, did you have a preference for a boy or girl when pregnant? Is it wrong to think you’d like one over the other? Share your thoughts with me and other readers using the comments below.