How to work with someone you HATE

With Cheryl Cole posting a photo to suggest she literally did have ex-and-future boss Simon Cowell by the throat, their subsequent breakfast sofa interview to re-boot their relationship had a distinct air of perma-frost about it.

Personality clashes between the judges are all part of the X-Factor fun and games, but this time resentments might run a little deeper than usual; after all Simon did visually cold-shoulder Cheryl at the US launch and dump her soon after, ending what appeared to be her unassailable reign as the nation’s sweetheart.

Cheryl might be full of front and fight-back but the fall-out was nasty, so will she still be seething behind the on-screen smiles?

Workplace spats can be devastating when you’re expected to form a well-oiled team with somebody you’ve grown to hate. I’m sure Cole and Cowell are best buds once again, but for the average employee it can be an endless nightmare of soaking up your own anger, resentment or sheer misery while you do your best to act like a mature professional.

The problem with pent-up anger is that it can convert to stress or low self-esteem or even off-load onto our loved ones as we trundle it home to take it out on the nearest object with a pulse.

Your fight or flight instinct might be part of your DNA, but in the workplace it’s assertive behaviour that wins out every time. But how do you replace all the inevitable bitching, whinging or points-scoring with calm, strategic thinking combined with a dab of Machiavellian cunning?

WORKING WITH AN EX
Sharing the daily grind with someone who has single-handedly crushed your heart and ego underfoot requires unique levels of resilience and resolve.

In the real world you’d be clutching your tattered dignity and retiring to a different part of the planet to lick your wounds, but in the workplace that is not an option, and instead you find you’re facing that heartless heel on a daily basis while the rest of the office settle back for some serious rubber-necking.

HOW TO COPE:
•    Do nothing. Wait. This is not a time to be making career-defining decisions. Go through the motions of your job being punctual and reliable. ‘Smile and wave’ as the royals say.

•    Put your career first. Quitting should never be an option, no matter how bad the pain.

•    Confide in no one. A colleague might seem like an available shoulder to cry on, but remember the poison of office gossip. Don’t turn a private tragedy into a soap opera.

•    Never ignore your ex. Silences create an atmosphere that can be worse than open conflict. Talk to him/her as normally as possible from the word go. Companies will normally turn a blind eye to workplace romances but they have a right to step in if they affect your output or the mood of the rest of the team.

•    Accept the fact that the relationship is over. Anything else will only extend the agony. No reading his/her e-mails or Facebook page to spot new love interests or sending waspish or bitchy messages of your own.

•    Let him/her know that you intend to move on, which means going back to a professional relationship with no outward signs of bitterness.

•    Do be aware of the potential risk to your job if your ex decides they find it difficult working with you though, especially if you were in a fling with your boss. As long as you behave impeccably there should be no excuse to either sack you or move you to a different department so check your contract of employment and hold your ground. It’s too easy to go without a whimper when you’re suffering emotionally but you might live to regret the fact that you didn’t stand up for your rights.

THE BOSS FROM HELL
Bad bosses come in many different varieties, from the weak little weasel who wants to be everyone’s friend and therefore fails to tackle anyone’s problems to the domineering Narcissist who believes everything should be done ‘MY way’ and who will happily take credit for any successes of their teams.

HOW TO COPE:
•    When the behaviour can be defined as bullying you should keep a diary of the offences, get witnesses where possible and - if there is no sympathetic person further up the corporate hierarchy – get advice on your rights from external experts like CAB.

•    For lesser offences always avoid moaning to colleagues. The workplace is full of snitches and if a complaint is going to be made it is always better coming from your mouth than passed on third hand.

•    Always deal with any problems as soon as possible to nip them in the bud, and be assertive rather than confrontational. The longer you put up with bad behaviour the harder it is to tackle.

•    Write down what it is that your boss does that annoys you. Be scrupulous about separating the actual behaviour from the way it makes you feel or the reasons why you think they do it. Logical points like ‘They raise their voice and shout’ or ‘They expect me to do overtime with no prior warning’ are much more powerful than emotional ones like ‘They make me feel less confident’ or ‘I think they’ve got it in for me’ etc.

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•    Once you have been forensic about the problem you can decide on your objectives. What do you want to happen? What would you like to change?

•    Your next step is to decide whether to take action or not. Will a conversation create change? Or should you put up and shut up?

•    If you do decide to discuss things with your boss be calm and logical and stick to your objectives rather than just complaining. And avoid throwing out ultimatums or threats.

•    If you work for a large company you might ask to be transferred to a different department. Think hard before you give your reason as ‘a clash of personalities’ though. You might risk HR thinking it could be you being difficult to work with rather than your boss.

•    If you do decide to take no action follow the ‘Stimulus/Response’ rule. When you can’t change the stimulus, (i.e. what they are doing) you should look to change your response and work on being less annoyed or anxious instead.

THE OFFICE DOWNER
They suck happiness from the office like a vampire sucks blood, spending their days moaning, groaning and generally slagging everything off. They arrive in a mood and by the time theirs has lifted it has polluted the mood of everyone around them too.

HOW TO COPE:
•    Don’t pander to a whinge bag. Grumpy people adore the reward of the attention they get or the way everyone tiptoes around them. Everyone gets the odd day of misery, but the serial Downer is being indulgent, rude and egocentric. Behaviour that is ignored usually decreases, so instead of trying to cheer them up or worrying about what’s wrong, just act as though they are being perfectly normal and upbeat.

•    Don’t catch their mood. Bad moods are as contagious as stress in the workplace. Repeat to yourself: ‘I am a happy, positive person.’

•    Never join in the moans. Their whingeing is like a mating call but don’t respond. If they moan you should reply with something positive. They’ll soon go away to find another victim!

THE COLLEAGUE WHO GETS PROMOTED
Being managed is always fraught with difficulty as no-one really likes to be told what to do, but when a member of your team or even a friend gets promoted to be in charge of the rest of you it can be amazing how quickly friendliness can convert to overt bossiness, getting everyone’s backs up in the process.

HOW TO COPE:
•    Did they pip you for the promotion? You will have to be extremely adult to not feel or act sore if they did. Instead of letting off steam behind their back though, try writing all your feelings down in a notebook. This famously helps to let go of anger or resentment without the need to seethe in silence or let rip.

•    There is a rule of life that says anyone who gets put in charge will change. The most pleasant, compliant or fun people can turn into bossy school prefects overnight. Expect the worst and be happy if you find you can settle for less.

•    A manager cannot manage and stay friends with the team. (Another rule of life). If you were close friends there might be claims of favouritism if you still socialise together so don’t be hurt if the outings dry up.

•    No matter how Machiavellian they were in terms of getting promoted above you the role of ‘bitter loser’ is a bad one to acquire in the workplace. Punch cushions to let off steam when you get home but don’t let what will look like envy show in the office.

TOP TIPS FOR WHEN A SMILE JUST WON’T DO
•    Take time out. If a colleague is making your blood boil excuse yourself from the transaction (Tell them you’re going to the loo!) and get out of the room to walk about and calm down.

•    Avoid forming an army. The more people you tell the more you will feel the need to get revenge via open conflict.

•    If you do discuss the villain at home get your partner to role-play, and address them as the other person to explain why they are giving you so much grief. This is far more therapeutic than telling a story. (Although they should never argue back ‘in role’!)

•    Write it down. When you hate a colleague you can often find yourself going over gripes in the middle of the night. Keep a notebook by the bedside for emergencies. Writing thoughts down offloads them wonderfully.

•    Do some exercise. When we get angry we go into ‘fight’ mode. Let that state of aggressive arousal out via some innocuous physical effort like fast walking, swimming or dancing.

•    Give them a secret nickname. It will make them feel less annoying.

•    If you do decide to talk to them to discuss the problem never do it during a flashpoint or on the hoof. Book a time and a place where you can talk calmly, logically and in private.

•    Listen as well as talk. If you’re going to point out their flaws you should be fair enough to listen to their problems with you as well. If it is serious, get a facilitator involved.